Happy, happy, joy, joy!

So, I've been struggling a bit with my lessons lately. I know why though. Although, I've been doing them, I haven't been giving them the importance they deserve. I've been preoccupied with other activities and have been forgetting to make time for God. As a result, I haven't been happy and I got sick a couple of days ago. Now, I'm choosing again. Now I'm getting back on track. I went to sleep last night with the conviction of making my lessons the most important activity.

My lesson today is 66, my happiness and function are one. The first paragraph of the lesson says, "You have surely noticed an emphasis throughout our recent lessons on the connection between fulfilling your function and achieving happiness. This is because you do not really see the connection. Yet there is more than just a connection between them; they are the same. Their forms are different, but their content is completely one."

A few minutes ago I was chatting with a very good, best friend. We have been consistent companions on our spiritual journey. We've been physically out of touch on occasions, but when we do get back in touch it's like we never left each other. We've been roommates in the past, we entered a spiritual organization at the same time, became very involved and then without discussion with each other, decided to leave at the same time. I remember telling her once, if we were the opposite sexes this lifetime, I'm sure we would be married. It's like an Oprah and Gayle thing.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, so I was chatting with her on Gmail. We were catching each other up on what's going on in our lives. One of the things I said to her, I just couldn't believe it came from me. It was exactly what the lesson for today is all about, my happiness and function are one. I said to her, "I'm learning that when I decide that what is most important is what God wills for me I find I end up in the right place doing what I love and what makes me happy and really it seems effortless." She responded saying, "when you are in alignment with your heart and with love then everything goes well and happy things happen." And then she said, "really we're saying the same thing."

Exactly, your "heart" and love are of God. So, I got it! When I realize my only function is the one God gave me, "happy things happen." My function and happiness are one! It doesn't really matter what the form of the happiness is. This is what I'm learning. In whatever I'm doing as long as I shine my light, and share my love and joy then I'm fulfilling my function and I'm happy. It's not the form that matters so much as the function.

The past couple of lessons have been instructing me to set aside a specific time for God. Right now, I don't have anything I need to do at a certain time, so mornings work out. I can start the day off right. I hope I can keep that up when I start working.

This morning I dedicated 15 minutes to God in considering the ideas of the lesson. Part of my practice period I was to, "think of the many ways in which you tried to find salvation under the ego's guidance. Did you find it? Were you happy? Did they bring you peace? We need great honesty today."

I was able to come up with several ways I've tried to find happiness under the ego's guidance. I basically started at the beginning. The first time I was unhappy or thought maybe there is something wrong with me, I was in 6th grade. I realized I wasn't like the other girls in my class. I didn't care about shaving my legs or boys or fashion. I was a late bloomer and small for my age so I looked a couple of years younger than the other girls. I still just wanted to play. I enjoyed playing sports. I liked boys, but only because they still liked to play.

I didn't care much that I was different until the following year. It must have been the hormones. My parents couldn't afford designer clothes and I went to a middle school that a lot of well-to-do families sent their kids to. I was teased relentlessly. So I became withdrawn and shy. Now I thought for sure there was something wrong with me and I was unlikable and unlovable.

There was a conflict going on within me. I didn't like those girls who teased me. I didn't like how they acted. They were so superficial. I still didn't care much for fashion or poofing up my bangs, but I wanted to be liked and have friends.

I was depressed for two years and didn't want to go to school. My mom even had me in therapy. I was soooo miserable. Determining my level of happiness by the approval of other people is one way that I've tried to find salvation under the ego's guidance. My ego was telling me, "if people don't think your cool, then you no friends and you have nothing."

By 9th grade I was fed up. I was in high school now and I was determined to be "cool" even if it meant sacrificing my own morals. But, I still wasn't happy. I went right along with the other kids in making fun of "nerds" and "geeks" even though on the inside I was cringing. I started having nightmares every night. One of my reoccurring nightmares was trying to save the world from Satan. I would dream that I was having battles with the devil on a hill top. It was so frustrating, the devil always seemed more powerful in my dreams. I was having trouble going to sleep because of all the nightmares. I prayed to God for those nightmares to end.

One night those nightmares ended with this dream:

I was sitting up in my bed and there was a minister standing in my room in front of the window. There was a podium in front of him with a huge Bible on it. There was a raging thunderstorm with high winds and the window was open. There were lit candles in front of the window and I don't know how they managed to stay lit. The wind was blowing the pages of the Bible so violently I expected they would rip right out and fly out the window. The minister raised his hands to the sky and yelled, "Psalms 3!", the thunder cracked and lightening or fire shot out the ends of his fingers. I can still remember vividly, the few hairs he had on top of his head wisping in the wind. This happened a couple more times and then everything fell silent and went dark. Then a women appeared through my bedroom door and said that everything will be okay now and I can go back to sleep and have pleasant dreams. It was as if she came to console me and reassure me.

As soon as I woke up in the morning I rushed to my Bible to read Psalms 3. Here's what it says, "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. I laid me down and slept; I awakened; for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou has smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people."

At the age of 14, this experience gave me much comfort. I realized God really does hear my prayers and He is telling me I have nothing to fear because He gives me strength.

I decided to write about this experience in light of my lesson today. Recently I am facing the same challenges I did when I was a teenager. The form is different though. I realized in my practice period today that I have substituted the Love of God for many things. I thought I would find happiness if people liked me or approved of me. I've tried finding happiness in relationships or thinking that surely I could find happiness by getting married and having a family. Or, that financial security or getting my college degree would bring me happiness. In each one of these instances I have found disappointment and ended up angry at God. This sounds funny to me as I write this because God didn't make me unhappy it was me seeking happiness in everything but God.

I've notice that I'm still looking outside of myself and God for happiness and I've found myself angry with God a few times in the last couple of weeks. I've thought, "if you want me to be happy then why aren't I!"

A few nights ago, the night before I got sick, I had the "battle with the devil" dream again. I hadn't had that dream since I was 14! And like back then, I became frustrated because the devil seemed more powerful. When I woke up I knew I wasn't happy because I hadn't been caring so much for my lessons. I felt like I was failing. I read Psalms 3 again.

It wasn't until this morning that I really figured out what this all means. It was when I was spending my time with God that I figured it out. I then read my lesson again. It said something that really made sense out of what I've been experiencing and the devil dream and Psalms 3.

After the first paragraph in my lesson says, "The ego does constant battle with the Holy Spririt on the fundamental question of what your function is. So does it do constant battle with the Holy Spirit about what your happiness is. It is not a two-way battle. The ego attacks and the Holy Spirit does not respond. He knows what your function is. He knows that it is your happiness.

Today we will try to go past this wholly meaningless battle and arrive at the truth about your function."

My battle with the devil dream shows me how meaningless it is to battle with the ego. Later in the lesson it says, "We will not indulge the ego by listening to its attacks on truth."

What I had been doing was indulging the ego. That was what my whole thought of "if God wants me to be happy then why aren't I." Last night I thought before I went to sleep that I am determined to find out what truth is no matter how I feel. If I'm not happy it's not God's fault. It just means that I have not seen the truth. Then today in the lesson I read after the ego indulgent part, "We will merely be glad that we can find out what truth is." Isn't that amazing! It seems Jesus knows exactly what I will experience with these lessons and what questions, thoughts and feelings may arise.

So Psalms 3 is telling me to give up my illusions of being a victim(the things that trouble me and that are against me) and go to God. God is the strength in which I trust and there is nothing to fear (the Lord is a shield for me). All I need to do is ask and God will answer. His love will sustain me and my illusions will melt away into nothingness from where they came (He will smite my enemies). The Holy Spirit will replace my fear with love. "Thy salvation belongeth unto the Lord." Salvation is found in God and nothing else. My happiness and function are one, because God has given me both.