I am sustained by the love of God. That is my lesson today, lesson 50. This is the most disciplined I have ever been. I have done one lesson a day for fifty days, with the exception of lesson 8 when I did it for two days. Whoops. I told Lisa (www.gorgeousforgod.com) about it and asked if that was okay. She told me to read the introduction to the lessons again. I realized it was not okay, so I've done my best to do one lesson a day exactly the way I'm instructed since then. I've been told if I do as the lessons instruct I will see miracles happen on a regular basis. And, I have.
These are the miracles I've seen:
1. Virtually no worry or stress
2. My relationship has improved. We rarely argue anymore. When we do, it's over pretty quickly.
3. I'm happier
4. My anxiety went away. I've been realizing there really is nothing to fear.
5. I've gotten several submissions already for the God stories book.
6. I've just gotten the best job I could've ever asked for. I never would have imagined I could get one job that includes everything I'm interested in and passionate about. But wait, there's more! The job doesn't just benefit myself, but also directly benefits my fiance. And hopefully, I can help many people through this job.
7. I've been understanding more and more the spiritual experiences I've had. Nearly every week I am awakened to the purpose and meaning of these experiences. Not because someone has explained things to me, but because I've found the answers within. I owe this to practicing and applying the lessons of A Course in Miracles.
I've just been having one "Aha" moment after another. Like today, for instance. I've been repeating the idea of todays lesson often, I am sustained by the love of God. My fiance and I were driving back over to his friends house where we are staying right now and I repeated the idea to myself. I looked around and noticed all of these nice cars, the people in the cars, and the nice, big houses we were driving by and I remembered something in the lesson.
It said, "In this world, you believe you are sustained by everything but God. Your faith is placed in the most trivial and insane symbols; pills, money, 'protective' clothing, influence, prestige, being liked, knowing the 'right' people, and an endless list of forms of nothingness that you endow with magical powers."
"All these things are your replacements for the Love of God. All these things are cherished to ensure a body identification. They are songs of praise to the ego. Do not put your faith in the worthless. It will not sustain you."
I felt sad that so many people put so much effort into worthless things that will not sustain them. I was sad that so many people do not know the love of God. At the moment I had those thoughts I remembered a time when I put so much effort into worthless things thinking they would make me happy. There was a time when I didn't know the love of God. Aha!!! Right then, I understood, to the full extent, an experience I had over 10 years ago. It was the defining moment in my life that led me to my spiritual path.
In my late teens and early twenties I experimented with drugs... a lot, and with a lot of drugs. My philosophy then was something like, "life is short so why not experience everything you can". Drugs made me feel "cool" and that I had "cool" friends and we were "different" and "misunderstood". We weren't about to conform to "societies rules and standards". I think, though, ultimately I was looking for the answers to life's big questions.
One day, just before my 22nd birthday, I did some LSD with my boyfriend at the time. We were coming down off the drug and of course depressed and in pain. We had been talking about the universe and physics (the other interest besides drugs we had in common) and I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong. I had a hard time trying to figure out how to put it into words. Finally, I burst out sobbing, "I just want to know!". That's all I told him. Specifically what I meant by that statement was, I want to know if God exists and why I'm here and what's the point. But, I didn't have the energy to say all of that. It was to the point that if I couldn't know the answers to those questions, I didn't want to live anymore. I'm not exaggerating. That was literally how I felt. I still start to feel emotional when I think of that day.
Soon after on my 22nd birthday, I was invited to a party. Let's just say, I did more drugs than I should of and had quite a wake-up call. I went unconscious and had the painful experience of losing everything and everyone I ever loved.
All of these things, "pills, money, 'protective' clothing, influence, prestige, being liked, knowing the 'right' people" I thought sustained me. I thought they were me. That is where the pain came from, thinking all these things were me. Identifying myself with everything that is false. I felt I was losing myself. What I was losing were all of my beloved illusions.
I "cherished" these things and it was painful to lose them. I had used all of these things as a replacements for the Love of God. It was if God was saying, "Wake up! These things mean nothing!" I didn't know who I was so when those things were taken away, I felt I had nothing.
There was quite a lot that happened while I was unconscious, I was shown many things. But ultimately, all I can describe is the essence of the knowledge I was given - All the choices I had ever made in all of eternity are the reason I am here now. I have everything I need, I had more important things to do and it's time to get on with it.
I did "get on with it". Almost immediately. Within two weeks, the things I felt so much pain in losing during my experience, I left. I left it all behind. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing but I knew there was more in store for me.
By my 23rd birthday, within just one year, I had quit doing drugs for good, I had learned to meditate and had received in meditation the answers to those questions, does God exist, why am I here and what's the point. I described that meditation in my post, "Fear, Who Cares". With what I was given in that meditation, I knew without a doubt that God is real, he is Peace, Love and Joy and so am I.
I am sustained by the Love of God. This is such an incredible lesson. Just a moment ago my Fiance told me we might not go back home for awhile. He said with our current financial situation we can afford to pay our rent on our apartment and stay here with friends to save money then go back home, pack up our stuff and move here. Or, we can spend our rent money to go back home and get evicted. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!", I thought. "I want to go home!" What I said was, "let me think about that" and then went inside. But then I remembered, I am sustained by the Love of God. I just read the third paragraph of the lesson and it comforted me.
"Only the Love of God will protect you in all circumstances. It will lift you out of every trial, and raise you high above all the perceived dangers of this world into a climate of perfect peace and safety. It will transport you into a state of mind that nothing can threaten, nothing can disturb, and where nothing can intrude upon the eternal calm of the Son of God."
One of the reasons I want to go home, is because my stuff is there. But as soon as I had that thought I had another thought, "but the stuff doesn't matter." I can get more stuff. In fact, I've already gotten more stuff in the short time we've been away from home. Stuff doesn't sustain me. When has my bookshelf of books or that shirt I wished I packed ever sustained me or kept me alive? Never. I do miss my family, but I'm going to trust we will be guided through this and I'll get to see my family soon. I'll just pay attention to now for now instead of worrying about the future.
So, now I can file away that experience during my 22nd birthday. I understand it now and know what to do with it now. It's all the more reason to create the God stories book. I can share the Love of God with many, many more people through this book. I don't have to be sad to see people putting their effort towards meaningless things. Instead, I can be happy to know that when people read the God stories they will perhaps see that the Love of God is real and always there for them.
(Info on the God stories book is on the side bar on the left of this post towards the top of the page.)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Little Sunbeam and the Garden = The Answer to my Prayers
I just read the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my entire life! (I'll get to that in a moment, but first a little background information.) I have been wondering and thinking for quite a while about what it is to give my life to God. What it is to be holy. Fearing that I will lose something, many things, by devoting my life to God. Wondering, what do I have to look forward to?
It's hard to imagine what there is beyond the physical world, where I've lived my entire life, with relatively few glimpses to what is beyond. The memory of those glimpses, no matter how vivid and real they were in the moment, soon became hazy and obscured by the numerous distractions of the ego reactions and being a human body in a physical world. I rely on my body's senses to show me what's going on and who is who and what is what. Everything looks different, sounds different, tastes different... you get the point. Everything is a separate, distinguishable thing going about its own business.
So, it is easy to believe that I, anyone, can be mistreated, unloved, alone, abandoned or unsafe. We think we're bodies! No matter what people say, that they believe they are spirit and when they die they just go to another realm, they don't really believe it. That's why we have war, murder, suicide, disease, every other commercial is for some drug to make you feel better and so on. I know that I have said that I believe I'm Spirit. I've even said I know I'm Spirit, energy, a soul, not a body. Now I've realized that I didn't really believe it, because if I did I would never be sick, feel lonely, depressed, anxious or fearful.
This story I read in A Course in Miracles (I actually read it twice and some parts three times just to make sure it sunk in) spoke directly to my heart. What it was saying could not have been clearer. Rather than to continue wondering and fearing, I asked the Holy Spirit, which is becoming a regular practice for me now, show me the Atonement, show me what I have to look forward to, show me I don't have anything to lose.
So, I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 18, section VII, I Need Do Nothing. I read that section, but didn't quite get it, although doing nothing sounds effortless and is very appealing to me. So I kept reading because I trust the Holy Spirit will give me what I ask for. Section VIII is The Little Garden. I could type every word in this section, because every word spoke to my heart, but I won't. I'll give you the highlights.
"Can you who see yourself within a body know yourself as an idea? Everything you recognize you identify with externals, something outside itself. You cannot even think of God without a body, or some form you think you recognize."
"The body cannot know. And while you limit your awareness to its tiny senses, you will not see the grandeur that surrounds you. (see what I'm talking about, it's a big problem this body identification) God Cannot come into a body, nor can you join Him there. Limits on love will always seem to shut Him out, and keep you apart from Him." This is where it really gets good, "The body is a tiny fence around a little part of a glorious and complete idea. It draws a circle, infinitely small, around a very little segment of Heaven, splintered from the whole, proclaiming that within it is your kingdom, where God can enter not."
"This fragment of your mind is such a tiny part of it that, could you but appreciate the whole, you would see instantly that it is like the smallest sunbeam to the sun, or like the faintest ripple on the surface of the ocean. In its amazing arrogance, this tiny sunbeam has decided it is the sun; the almost imperceptible ripple hails itself as the ocean. Think how alone and frightened is this little thought, this infinitesimal illusion, holding itself apart against the universe. The sun becomes the sunbeams 'enemy' that would devour it, and the ocean terrifies the little ripple and wants to swallow it."
"Yet neither the sun nor ocean is even aware of all this strange and meaningless activity. They merely continue, unaware that they are feared and hated by a tiny segment of themselves. Even that segment is not lost to them, for it could not survive apart from them. And what it thinks it is in no way changes its total dependence on them for its being. Its whole existence still remains in them. Without the sun the sunbeam would be gone, the ripple without the ocean is inconceivable."
I'm starting to understand now what A Course in Miracles in talking about when it says that attack is meaningless and ego thoughts are nothing. It is really silly. It's like a blade of grass hating the lawn or a grain of sand condemning the beach.
It doesn't matter how unworthy I feel or how much in control of my own life I think I am, because I am still dependent on God. I heard a phrase somewhere that goes something like this, whether you believe or do not believe in God doesn't change God. And for that matter who you really are. How could one sunbeam hate another sunbeam if they knew they were both of the sun and the same? This is how to "love ye one another" or "love your brother as yourself".
Okay, here's the part about the little garden:
"Look at the desert - dry and unproductive, scorched and joyless - that makes up your little kingdom. And realize the life and joy that love would bring to it from where it comes, and where it would return with you."
"The Thought of God surrounds your little kingdom, waiting at the barrier you built to come inside and shine upon the barren ground. See how life springs up everywhere! The desert becomes a garden, green and deep and quiet, offering rest to those who lost their way and wander in the dust. Give them a place of refuge, prepared by love for them where once a desert was. And everyone you welcome will bring love with him from Heaven for you. They enter one by one into this holy place, but they will not depart as they had come, alone. The love they brought with them will stay with them, as it will stay with you. And under its beneficence your little garden will expand, and reach out to everyone who thirsts for living water, but has grown too weary to go on alone."
"Go out and find them, for they bring your Self with them. And lead them gently to your quiet garden, and receive their blessing there. So will it grow and stretch across the desert, leaving no lonely little kingdoms locked away from love, and leaving you inside. And you will recognize yourself, and see your little garden gently transformed into the Kingdom of Heaven, with all the Love of its Creator shining upon it."
As I see it, this is a picture of, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be given unto you".
I think this story should end with, "never again did they spin or toil or strive after the wind and they all lived happily ever after with God in the Kingdom of Heaven, Amen".
I am so happy Jesus gave us this story. I feel bigger, since I read this section. I think my spirit is sticking outside of my body a few inches more. I have more love inside of me I guess.
What this section told my heart is I have everything to gain by devoting my life to God. I will have the knowledge of myself as whole and perfect existing within God, happiness, peace, the love of God and the love of everyone in the entire world. Yup, I think that's about everything I could ever want.
It's hard to imagine what there is beyond the physical world, where I've lived my entire life, with relatively few glimpses to what is beyond. The memory of those glimpses, no matter how vivid and real they were in the moment, soon became hazy and obscured by the numerous distractions of the ego reactions and being a human body in a physical world. I rely on my body's senses to show me what's going on and who is who and what is what. Everything looks different, sounds different, tastes different... you get the point. Everything is a separate, distinguishable thing going about its own business.
So, it is easy to believe that I, anyone, can be mistreated, unloved, alone, abandoned or unsafe. We think we're bodies! No matter what people say, that they believe they are spirit and when they die they just go to another realm, they don't really believe it. That's why we have war, murder, suicide, disease, every other commercial is for some drug to make you feel better and so on. I know that I have said that I believe I'm Spirit. I've even said I know I'm Spirit, energy, a soul, not a body. Now I've realized that I didn't really believe it, because if I did I would never be sick, feel lonely, depressed, anxious or fearful.
This story I read in A Course in Miracles (I actually read it twice and some parts three times just to make sure it sunk in) spoke directly to my heart. What it was saying could not have been clearer. Rather than to continue wondering and fearing, I asked the Holy Spirit, which is becoming a regular practice for me now, show me the Atonement, show me what I have to look forward to, show me I don't have anything to lose.
So, I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 18, section VII, I Need Do Nothing. I read that section, but didn't quite get it, although doing nothing sounds effortless and is very appealing to me. So I kept reading because I trust the Holy Spirit will give me what I ask for. Section VIII is The Little Garden. I could type every word in this section, because every word spoke to my heart, but I won't. I'll give you the highlights.
"Can you who see yourself within a body know yourself as an idea? Everything you recognize you identify with externals, something outside itself. You cannot even think of God without a body, or some form you think you recognize."
"The body cannot know. And while you limit your awareness to its tiny senses, you will not see the grandeur that surrounds you. (see what I'm talking about, it's a big problem this body identification) God Cannot come into a body, nor can you join Him there. Limits on love will always seem to shut Him out, and keep you apart from Him." This is where it really gets good, "The body is a tiny fence around a little part of a glorious and complete idea. It draws a circle, infinitely small, around a very little segment of Heaven, splintered from the whole, proclaiming that within it is your kingdom, where God can enter not."
"This fragment of your mind is such a tiny part of it that, could you but appreciate the whole, you would see instantly that it is like the smallest sunbeam to the sun, or like the faintest ripple on the surface of the ocean. In its amazing arrogance, this tiny sunbeam has decided it is the sun; the almost imperceptible ripple hails itself as the ocean. Think how alone and frightened is this little thought, this infinitesimal illusion, holding itself apart against the universe. The sun becomes the sunbeams 'enemy' that would devour it, and the ocean terrifies the little ripple and wants to swallow it."
"Yet neither the sun nor ocean is even aware of all this strange and meaningless activity. They merely continue, unaware that they are feared and hated by a tiny segment of themselves. Even that segment is not lost to them, for it could not survive apart from them. And what it thinks it is in no way changes its total dependence on them for its being. Its whole existence still remains in them. Without the sun the sunbeam would be gone, the ripple without the ocean is inconceivable."
I'm starting to understand now what A Course in Miracles in talking about when it says that attack is meaningless and ego thoughts are nothing. It is really silly. It's like a blade of grass hating the lawn or a grain of sand condemning the beach.
It doesn't matter how unworthy I feel or how much in control of my own life I think I am, because I am still dependent on God. I heard a phrase somewhere that goes something like this, whether you believe or do not believe in God doesn't change God. And for that matter who you really are. How could one sunbeam hate another sunbeam if they knew they were both of the sun and the same? This is how to "love ye one another" or "love your brother as yourself".
Okay, here's the part about the little garden:
"Look at the desert - dry and unproductive, scorched and joyless - that makes up your little kingdom. And realize the life and joy that love would bring to it from where it comes, and where it would return with you."
"The Thought of God surrounds your little kingdom, waiting at the barrier you built to come inside and shine upon the barren ground. See how life springs up everywhere! The desert becomes a garden, green and deep and quiet, offering rest to those who lost their way and wander in the dust. Give them a place of refuge, prepared by love for them where once a desert was. And everyone you welcome will bring love with him from Heaven for you. They enter one by one into this holy place, but they will not depart as they had come, alone. The love they brought with them will stay with them, as it will stay with you. And under its beneficence your little garden will expand, and reach out to everyone who thirsts for living water, but has grown too weary to go on alone."
"Go out and find them, for they bring your Self with them. And lead them gently to your quiet garden, and receive their blessing there. So will it grow and stretch across the desert, leaving no lonely little kingdoms locked away from love, and leaving you inside. And you will recognize yourself, and see your little garden gently transformed into the Kingdom of Heaven, with all the Love of its Creator shining upon it."
As I see it, this is a picture of, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be given unto you".
I think this story should end with, "never again did they spin or toil or strive after the wind and they all lived happily ever after with God in the Kingdom of Heaven, Amen".
I am so happy Jesus gave us this story. I feel bigger, since I read this section. I think my spirit is sticking outside of my body a few inches more. I have more love inside of me I guess.
What this section told my heart is I have everything to gain by devoting my life to God. I will have the knowledge of myself as whole and perfect existing within God, happiness, peace, the love of God and the love of everyone in the entire world. Yup, I think that's about everything I could ever want.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Just a bunch of random thoughts.
I haven't been writing much lately. I haven't had anything to write about. I haven't been "getting" the lessons over the past week.
I want to know God and I want to know myself as God created me. (If anyone is reading this, please bear with me. I don't know where this is going. I'm just trying to figure things out.) Don't get me wrong. Even though I'm not "getting" the lessons, I still love A Course in Miracles. It seems to fit me better than anything else I've tried. I think I read in the Text that there a many, many paths to God and many helpers. I was thinking about this yesterday, because, I was feeling a lot of doubt and hopelessness. Like what if I got it wrong again, what if I'm being tricked again. To remember that there are many paths to God made me feel better.
I then thought of an experience I had while living at the Headquarters of the spiritual organization I used to be involved with. The husband of one of the teachers there had diabetes. He had diabetes since he was a child and when I moved to the Headquarters he was blind and weak, but hadn't lost a bit of his charisma and humor. He was such a pleasure to be around. When I met him, I wondered why he hadn't healed himself. All of this talk and teaching about healing. Why couldn't he heal himself? I'm still not sure why.
A few months after I moved there, he died. A couple of nights or so after he died, I dreamed that he and I were walking in the woods. He was in perfect health and I had never known him in perfect health. There were many paths in the woods and he was telling me, some people take that path, others take that path, and then there is that path. Some go this way and others go that way.
When I woke up, I wasn't sure what the dream was talking about. I still believe that was his spirit visiting me. At the time, I naively thought that I was on the path. So what was he saying about all these other paths? Well, yesterday it became clear to me.
Lisa Natoli, whom I've mentioned before in my blog. She is the author of a blog and book called Gorgeous For God. If you are studying A Course in Miracles, please go to her blog. She teaches the lessons everyday on her blog. Here's the link, www.gorgeousforgod.com
Anyway, in one of the first emails I received from Lisa she said, all paths lead to God. I believe her but I still don't get it totally. I do think there are many paths to God. Really, though, I have always wanted to know God and all that I have done and in all of my searching have led me to where I am now. So, in truth, the spiritual organization I was involved, that even though at times I felt betrayed by, did play a role in getting me where I want to go.
So, where am I now? I'm studying A Course in Miracles and I love it! It is so straightforward. There are no props, statues, costumes or rituals. It does not require me to leave my home or go to church or be involved with an organization. I get to do it in my home or wherever I happen to be with whomever I'm with. And the best part of it all is Jesus is my teacher!
Even though I don't feel like I'm "getting" the lessons right now. I'm still doing it. It says in the first paragraph of the Introduction to the Workbook Lessons, "A theoretical foundation such as the text provides is necessary as a framework to make the exercises in this workbook meaningful. Yet it is doing the exercises that will make the goal of the course possible. An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of this workbook to train your mind to think along the lines the text sets fort."
Then it says towards the end of the introduction, "Some of the ideas the workbook presents you will find hard to believe, and others may seem to be quite startling. This does not matter. You are merely asked to apply the ideas as you are directed to do. You are not asked to judge them at all. You are asked only to use them. It is their use that will give them meaning to you, and will show you that they are true."
"Remember, only this, you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy. But do not allow yourself to make exceptions in applying the ideas the workbook contains, and whatever your reactions to the ideas may be, use them. Nothing more than that is required."
Wow! That's a relief! I don't have to believe the ideas and whatever reactions I might have I can use them. Jesus is the best teacher! And he doesn't mind that I don't yet believe I'm holy, he just wants me to do the exercises. I'm glad I read the introduction again.
I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. I was basically, condemning myself for not believing I'm holy. That's rather ironic. All day long, I experienced anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity. My dream last night showed me, in gory detail, the gruesomeness of attack, using the symbol of an ax murderer.
So, I'm on lesson 39, My holiness is my salvation. Here is what has been my exercise today, "My unloving thoughts about anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity are keeping me in hell (where there is an ax murderer after me). My holiness is my salvation." The lesson asks, "If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?" then it asks, "do you believe guilt is hell?" Well, first I thought, "definitely". Then I thought, "if I really believe that guilt is hell, then why do I keep myself in hell?" Why don't I just let go of guilt and all unloving thoughts and leap into heaven? I have to conclude that I still think that guilt is my reality and I deserve to be in hell. Why? I don't know, why I think I deserve to be punished, but I do. Hence the reason I don't think I'm holy. The paradox is my holiness is my salvation. Yeah, I still don't get it really. You know, though, I shouldn't worry that I don't "get it" because worry puts me in hell. So, really I don't need to figure it out. I just need to do the lessons and through applying them, let the truth be revealed to me.
There was something I read last night in the Text that helps me have an image of myself as holy and I'm trying to hold that in my mind in the hope that it will make it my reality. In the midst of my turmoil last night. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me to something in the text that can help me understand my holiness. I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 24, section V. The Christ in You. I thought, yes, this is it. Christ is holy and Christ is in me. There were a couple of paragraphs in this section that really helped me see myself differently, "Where could your peace arise but from forgiveness? The Christ in you looks only on the truth, and sees no condemnation that could need forgiveness. He is at peace because He sees no sin. Identify with Him, and what has He that you have not? He is your eyes, your ears, your hands, your feet. How gentle are the sights He sees, the sounds He hears. How beautiful His hand that holds His brother's, and how lovingly He walks beside him, showing him what can be seen and heard, and where he will see nothing and there is no sound to hear."
"Christ's hand holds all His brothers in Himself. He gives them vision for their sightless eyes, and sings to them of Heaven, that their ears may hear no more the sound of battle and death. He reaches through them, holding out His hand, that everyone may bless all living things, and see their holiness." I really like this part: "You who would be content with specialness, and seek salvation in a war with love, consider this: The holy Lord of Heaven has Himself come down to you, to offer you your own completion. What is His is your because in your completion is His Own."
I think it was the last paragraph that really hit the nail on the head. "There must be doubt before there can be conflict. And every doubt must be about yourself. Christ has no doubt, and from His certainty His quiet comes. He will exchange His certainty for all your doubts, if you agree that He is One with you, and that this Oneness is endless, timeless, and within your grasp because your hands are His. He is within you, yet He walks beside you and before, leading the way that He must go to find Himself complete. His quietness becomes your certainty. And where is doubt when certainty has come?"
So Christ will exchange His certainty for all my doubts. I just need to agree that He is me. Maybe, that is what my holiness is all about. What I have done with this idea is to imagine that Jesus is holding my hand and leading me to God. Perhaps I will eventually see our oneness and my holiness.
I want to know God and I want to know myself as God created me. (If anyone is reading this, please bear with me. I don't know where this is going. I'm just trying to figure things out.) Don't get me wrong. Even though I'm not "getting" the lessons, I still love A Course in Miracles. It seems to fit me better than anything else I've tried. I think I read in the Text that there a many, many paths to God and many helpers. I was thinking about this yesterday, because, I was feeling a lot of doubt and hopelessness. Like what if I got it wrong again, what if I'm being tricked again. To remember that there are many paths to God made me feel better.
I then thought of an experience I had while living at the Headquarters of the spiritual organization I used to be involved with. The husband of one of the teachers there had diabetes. He had diabetes since he was a child and when I moved to the Headquarters he was blind and weak, but hadn't lost a bit of his charisma and humor. He was such a pleasure to be around. When I met him, I wondered why he hadn't healed himself. All of this talk and teaching about healing. Why couldn't he heal himself? I'm still not sure why.
A few months after I moved there, he died. A couple of nights or so after he died, I dreamed that he and I were walking in the woods. He was in perfect health and I had never known him in perfect health. There were many paths in the woods and he was telling me, some people take that path, others take that path, and then there is that path. Some go this way and others go that way.
When I woke up, I wasn't sure what the dream was talking about. I still believe that was his spirit visiting me. At the time, I naively thought that I was on the path. So what was he saying about all these other paths? Well, yesterday it became clear to me.
Lisa Natoli, whom I've mentioned before in my blog. She is the author of a blog and book called Gorgeous For God. If you are studying A Course in Miracles, please go to her blog. She teaches the lessons everyday on her blog. Here's the link, www.gorgeousforgod.com
Anyway, in one of the first emails I received from Lisa she said, all paths lead to God. I believe her but I still don't get it totally. I do think there are many paths to God. Really, though, I have always wanted to know God and all that I have done and in all of my searching have led me to where I am now. So, in truth, the spiritual organization I was involved, that even though at times I felt betrayed by, did play a role in getting me where I want to go.
So, where am I now? I'm studying A Course in Miracles and I love it! It is so straightforward. There are no props, statues, costumes or rituals. It does not require me to leave my home or go to church or be involved with an organization. I get to do it in my home or wherever I happen to be with whomever I'm with. And the best part of it all is Jesus is my teacher!
Even though I don't feel like I'm "getting" the lessons right now. I'm still doing it. It says in the first paragraph of the Introduction to the Workbook Lessons, "A theoretical foundation such as the text provides is necessary as a framework to make the exercises in this workbook meaningful. Yet it is doing the exercises that will make the goal of the course possible. An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of this workbook to train your mind to think along the lines the text sets fort."
Then it says towards the end of the introduction, "Some of the ideas the workbook presents you will find hard to believe, and others may seem to be quite startling. This does not matter. You are merely asked to apply the ideas as you are directed to do. You are not asked to judge them at all. You are asked only to use them. It is their use that will give them meaning to you, and will show you that they are true."
"Remember, only this, you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy. But do not allow yourself to make exceptions in applying the ideas the workbook contains, and whatever your reactions to the ideas may be, use them. Nothing more than that is required."
Wow! That's a relief! I don't have to believe the ideas and whatever reactions I might have I can use them. Jesus is the best teacher! And he doesn't mind that I don't yet believe I'm holy, he just wants me to do the exercises. I'm glad I read the introduction again.
I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. I was basically, condemning myself for not believing I'm holy. That's rather ironic. All day long, I experienced anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity. My dream last night showed me, in gory detail, the gruesomeness of attack, using the symbol of an ax murderer.
So, I'm on lesson 39, My holiness is my salvation. Here is what has been my exercise today, "My unloving thoughts about anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity are keeping me in hell (where there is an ax murderer after me). My holiness is my salvation." The lesson asks, "If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?" then it asks, "do you believe guilt is hell?" Well, first I thought, "definitely". Then I thought, "if I really believe that guilt is hell, then why do I keep myself in hell?" Why don't I just let go of guilt and all unloving thoughts and leap into heaven? I have to conclude that I still think that guilt is my reality and I deserve to be in hell. Why? I don't know, why I think I deserve to be punished, but I do. Hence the reason I don't think I'm holy. The paradox is my holiness is my salvation. Yeah, I still don't get it really. You know, though, I shouldn't worry that I don't "get it" because worry puts me in hell. So, really I don't need to figure it out. I just need to do the lessons and through applying them, let the truth be revealed to me.
There was something I read last night in the Text that helps me have an image of myself as holy and I'm trying to hold that in my mind in the hope that it will make it my reality. In the midst of my turmoil last night. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me to something in the text that can help me understand my holiness. I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 24, section V. The Christ in You. I thought, yes, this is it. Christ is holy and Christ is in me. There were a couple of paragraphs in this section that really helped me see myself differently, "Where could your peace arise but from forgiveness? The Christ in you looks only on the truth, and sees no condemnation that could need forgiveness. He is at peace because He sees no sin. Identify with Him, and what has He that you have not? He is your eyes, your ears, your hands, your feet. How gentle are the sights He sees, the sounds He hears. How beautiful His hand that holds His brother's, and how lovingly He walks beside him, showing him what can be seen and heard, and where he will see nothing and there is no sound to hear."
"Christ's hand holds all His brothers in Himself. He gives them vision for their sightless eyes, and sings to them of Heaven, that their ears may hear no more the sound of battle and death. He reaches through them, holding out His hand, that everyone may bless all living things, and see their holiness." I really like this part: "You who would be content with specialness, and seek salvation in a war with love, consider this: The holy Lord of Heaven has Himself come down to you, to offer you your own completion. What is His is your because in your completion is His Own."
I think it was the last paragraph that really hit the nail on the head. "There must be doubt before there can be conflict. And every doubt must be about yourself. Christ has no doubt, and from His certainty His quiet comes. He will exchange His certainty for all your doubts, if you agree that He is One with you, and that this Oneness is endless, timeless, and within your grasp because your hands are His. He is within you, yet He walks beside you and before, leading the way that He must go to find Himself complete. His quietness becomes your certainty. And where is doubt when certainty has come?"
So Christ will exchange His certainty for all my doubts. I just need to agree that He is me. Maybe, that is what my holiness is all about. What I have done with this idea is to imagine that Jesus is holding my hand and leading me to God. Perhaps I will eventually see our oneness and my holiness.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Love Is All You Need
I'm on vacation right now in Kentucky. It's probably the longest vacation I've ever been on. We are here for 6 weeks. I've been finding it difficult to find time to write, with all the activity and visiting going on. I don't like to have any interruptions when I write, but I think I'm just going to have to deal with it for now.
This week with the lessons in A Course in Miracles I've been trying to see things differently - I'm not a victim of the world I see, I have invented the world I see and there is another way of looking at the world.
These lessons have been challenging for me. It's hard to believe entirely that I invented the world and that I'm not a victim, but I do believe there is another way of looking at the world. I'm trying to identify myself beyond my belief of my littleness. I've realized I've got this "damsel in distress" mentality. "Poor little ol' me. I can't fend for myself." (I say that with a southern belle accent). I quoted one of my three year old students the other day when John told me he wanted my help with yard work. I said, "I can't 'cause I'm little". I told him I liked that excuse.
Enough with the excuses, already! I really I don't want to identify myself anymore as being weak and helpless. Regardless of whether or not I believe the ideas in the lessons I've been experimenting with them and applying them to whatever goes on. I think I would have made a good scientist because I've never been afraid to experiment with something to find out if it works. (I've gotten a lot smarter over the years about what I experiment with since I was in college)
I had a very good opportunity yesterday to try out "I'm not a victim" and "I invented the world I see". My fiance was annoyed with me because he didn't think I was getting ready fast enough and he was getting impatient. He also had been sick. So, he was especially sensitive. I got frustrated with him and said something, not mean, but also not out of love and that really set him off. I didn't think what I said justified his response, but what could I do.
I left the room to get myself ready to go. I shut the door and paused to read some of the text in A Course in Miracles. What I read was so perfect to what was going on. While I was reading with the door closed he continued to vent his frustrations while pacing through the house getting things together. I was reading Chapter 12, part I called "The Judgement of the Holy Spirit". Here's what it says "Understand that you do not respond to anything directly, but to your interpretation of it. Your interpretation thus becomes the justification for the response. That is why analyzing the motives of others is hazardous to you. If you decide that someone is really trying to attack you or desert you or enslave you, you will respond as if he had actually done so, having made his error real to you. To interpret error is to give it power, and having done this you will overlook truth."
Meanwhile, my fiance is still ranting and raving. I'm thinking, "yeah, when I responded to his frustration with my own frustration I was feeling that I was being attacked and the situation was very real to me. But then I thought, "I'm not a victim because I invented this situation as I see it".
I kept reading, my fiance is still projecting anger all over the place. "There is but one interpretation of motivation that makes any sense. And because it is the Holy Spirit's judgment it requires no effort at all on your part. Every loving thought is true. Everything else is an appeal for healing and help, regardless of the form it takes. Can anyone be justified in responding with anger to a brother's plea for help? No response can be appropriate except the willingness to give it to him, for this and only this is what he is asking for. Offer him anything else, and you are assuming the right to attack his reality by interpreting it as you see it."
I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with this situation. I realized that he was frustrated with me because he needs help and I'm not giving it to him. I started thinking loving thoughts about him, the things I appreciate about him and how grateful I am to have him in my life, what I love about him, etc. I started to look at the situation differently. I realized when he was asking for help, I blew him off. Sure, the words he said sounded harsher than the words I used but regardless, neither one of us said loving words.
I thought, "I can end this right now, because I can take complete responsibility for it". I didn't even have to tell him this. I just did it. Then my fiance, right after saying something angry, asks in a neutral tone, "are my shoes in there?" Now because I had been thinking loving thoughts about him and took responsibility for the whole fiasco, I responded with love, "no, Baby, I don't see them in here".
And that was it! That was the end of the argument. I immediately started helping him get things together. Later, I gave him a hug and kiss and told him I love him and asked him if he still thought he had a fever. I just needed to show that I care and give love. We had no more conflicts for the rest of the day.
This love thing really works. All day today, at the first sign of any conflict, I've been saying, "there is another way of looking at this". Instead of attacking right back, I offer help. I look at the situation and think of what kind of help can I give. It has worked every time.
This week with the lessons in A Course in Miracles I've been trying to see things differently - I'm not a victim of the world I see, I have invented the world I see and there is another way of looking at the world.
These lessons have been challenging for me. It's hard to believe entirely that I invented the world and that I'm not a victim, but I do believe there is another way of looking at the world. I'm trying to identify myself beyond my belief of my littleness. I've realized I've got this "damsel in distress" mentality. "Poor little ol' me. I can't fend for myself." (I say that with a southern belle accent). I quoted one of my three year old students the other day when John told me he wanted my help with yard work. I said, "I can't 'cause I'm little". I told him I liked that excuse.
Enough with the excuses, already! I really I don't want to identify myself anymore as being weak and helpless. Regardless of whether or not I believe the ideas in the lessons I've been experimenting with them and applying them to whatever goes on. I think I would have made a good scientist because I've never been afraid to experiment with something to find out if it works. (I've gotten a lot smarter over the years about what I experiment with since I was in college)
I had a very good opportunity yesterday to try out "I'm not a victim" and "I invented the world I see". My fiance was annoyed with me because he didn't think I was getting ready fast enough and he was getting impatient. He also had been sick. So, he was especially sensitive. I got frustrated with him and said something, not mean, but also not out of love and that really set him off. I didn't think what I said justified his response, but what could I do.
I left the room to get myself ready to go. I shut the door and paused to read some of the text in A Course in Miracles. What I read was so perfect to what was going on. While I was reading with the door closed he continued to vent his frustrations while pacing through the house getting things together. I was reading Chapter 12, part I called "The Judgement of the Holy Spirit". Here's what it says "Understand that you do not respond to anything directly, but to your interpretation of it. Your interpretation thus becomes the justification for the response. That is why analyzing the motives of others is hazardous to you. If you decide that someone is really trying to attack you or desert you or enslave you, you will respond as if he had actually done so, having made his error real to you. To interpret error is to give it power, and having done this you will overlook truth."
Meanwhile, my fiance is still ranting and raving. I'm thinking, "yeah, when I responded to his frustration with my own frustration I was feeling that I was being attacked and the situation was very real to me. But then I thought, "I'm not a victim because I invented this situation as I see it".
I kept reading, my fiance is still projecting anger all over the place. "There is but one interpretation of motivation that makes any sense. And because it is the Holy Spirit's judgment it requires no effort at all on your part. Every loving thought is true. Everything else is an appeal for healing and help, regardless of the form it takes. Can anyone be justified in responding with anger to a brother's plea for help? No response can be appropriate except the willingness to give it to him, for this and only this is what he is asking for. Offer him anything else, and you are assuming the right to attack his reality by interpreting it as you see it."
I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with this situation. I realized that he was frustrated with me because he needs help and I'm not giving it to him. I started thinking loving thoughts about him, the things I appreciate about him and how grateful I am to have him in my life, what I love about him, etc. I started to look at the situation differently. I realized when he was asking for help, I blew him off. Sure, the words he said sounded harsher than the words I used but regardless, neither one of us said loving words.
I thought, "I can end this right now, because I can take complete responsibility for it". I didn't even have to tell him this. I just did it. Then my fiance, right after saying something angry, asks in a neutral tone, "are my shoes in there?" Now because I had been thinking loving thoughts about him and took responsibility for the whole fiasco, I responded with love, "no, Baby, I don't see them in here".
And that was it! That was the end of the argument. I immediately started helping him get things together. Later, I gave him a hug and kiss and told him I love him and asked him if he still thought he had a fever. I just needed to show that I care and give love. We had no more conflicts for the rest of the day.
This love thing really works. All day today, at the first sign of any conflict, I've been saying, "there is another way of looking at this". Instead of attacking right back, I offer help. I look at the situation and think of what kind of help can I give. It has worked every time.
Monday, April 7, 2008
This is beautiful
I also read this today in Chapter 11 of ACIM:
"O my child, if you knew what God wills for you, your joy would be complete! And what He wills has happened, for it was always true. When the light comes and you have said, 'God's Will is mine,' you will see such beauty that you will know it is not of you. Out of your joy you will create beauty in His Name, for your joy could no more be contained than His. The bleak little world will vanish into nothingness, and your heart will be so filled with joy that it will leap into Heaven, and into the Presence of God. I cannot tell you what this will be like, for your heart is not ready. Yet I can tell you, and remind you often, that what God wills for Himself He wills for you, and what He wills for you is yours."
"O my child, if you knew what God wills for you, your joy would be complete! And what He wills has happened, for it was always true. When the light comes and you have said, 'God's Will is mine,' you will see such beauty that you will know it is not of you. Out of your joy you will create beauty in His Name, for your joy could no more be contained than His. The bleak little world will vanish into nothingness, and your heart will be so filled with joy that it will leap into Heaven, and into the Presence of God. I cannot tell you what this will be like, for your heart is not ready. Yet I can tell you, and remind you often, that what God wills for Himself He wills for you, and what He wills for you is yours."
Above All Else...
Above all else I want to see things differently. I really do. I think I've had plenty of proof to know that alone I can't accomplish peace, love and joy. And that every time I've asked God for help, peace, love and joy is what I've received. All I've experienced when I listen to my ego is disappointment and condemnation. "I can't do anything right, I never finish anything, I'm a failure and why have I always been poor and other people are rich, what have I done to deserve this?" My ego answers that I'm flawed, that I'm not good enough, that I've made horrible mistakes in my life that I can't change, that God is punishing me.
When I allow myself to be guided by God, not only do I feel differently but people see me differently. At these times, people that I have just met will say amazing and surprising things to me. These are real words, the best I can recall, that virtual strangers have said to me when I've been at my best: "There's just something special about you. You know, you meet people sometimes that you just feel a connection to." and "Are you a Christian, do you believe in God? I hope you don't mind me asking but there is just a certain light in your eyes."
Sometimes it's not words that I notice but that people are drawn to me, like they will go out of their way to talk to me. Complete strangers! It couldn't be more obvious at these times that God brought us together because there is something to learn. But, in A Course in Miracles it says there are no chance meetings. I am working on being aware that with every person I meet and everyone I'm around there is a chance to learn. Above all else, I want to see things differently.
I know I can because I have briefly before. I wrote in my post "Fear, Who Cares", about an experience that I had while meditating when I told God I wanted to know Him, myself, peace, love and joy. God answered my prayer right then and there. A couple of years later before meditating I prayed to God that I really needed his help because I had forgotten for a time what he had showed me. I hadn't forgotten the experience but I had forgotten that brief awareness that I am part of God and I am peace, love and joy. So, he showed me again. It wasn't as intense as the first meditation when God visited, but the experience was sustained through out most of day. When I was with God and felt the oneness with God, I experienced a particular feeling or vibration of the knowledge of the interconnectedness all of us have with everyone and all things.
If this doesn't make much since, I apologize. It just so hard to put into words. It's an experience beyond the world of words. Anyway, the rest of the day everything I touched, everyone and everything I saw, I could feel that vibration of divine creation and see the light of creation. It was like God's fingerprints were all over everything.
A Course in Miracles is more eloquent in describing what I experienced: "In many only the spark remains, for the Great Rays are obscured. Yet God has kept the spark alive so that the Rays can never be completely forgotten. If you but see the little spark you will learn of the greater light, for the Rays are there unseen. Perceiving the spark will heal, but knowing the light will create. Yet the separation was a descent from magnitude to littleness. But the spark is still as pure as the Great Light, because it is the remaining call of creation. Put all your faith in it, and God Himself will answer you."
I read this today along with my lesson. Both reminded me that I can and I will see things differently. In today's lesson, "Above all else, I want to see things differently", I read: "You see a lot of separate things about you, which really means you are not seeing at all. You either see or not. When you have seen one thing differently, you will see all things differently. The light you will see in any one of them is the same light you will see in them all." Further down the lesson it says, "You could, in fact, gain vision from just that table, if you would withdraw all your own ideas from it, and look upon it with a completely open mind. It has something to show you; something beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope. Hidden under all your ideas about it is its real purpose, the purpose it shares with all the universe."
So, this is my goal, from here on out. I want to give gifts that are worthy of God. What is a more worthy gift than seeing others for who they really are as God created them? I believe by doing this I will stop condemning myself and listening to my ego. If I see the "spark of light" in everyone else how can I not see it in myself? I'm going to try to only see the truth. I'm going to try to believe in only the truth and to look past negativity and let it go. Give negativity all the meaning it has for me, which it has no meaning not being created by God.
I want to give my attention to only what is "beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope" , in everyone and every situation.
When I allow myself to be guided by God, not only do I feel differently but people see me differently. At these times, people that I have just met will say amazing and surprising things to me. These are real words, the best I can recall, that virtual strangers have said to me when I've been at my best: "There's just something special about you. You know, you meet people sometimes that you just feel a connection to." and "Are you a Christian, do you believe in God? I hope you don't mind me asking but there is just a certain light in your eyes."
Sometimes it's not words that I notice but that people are drawn to me, like they will go out of their way to talk to me. Complete strangers! It couldn't be more obvious at these times that God brought us together because there is something to learn. But, in A Course in Miracles it says there are no chance meetings. I am working on being aware that with every person I meet and everyone I'm around there is a chance to learn. Above all else, I want to see things differently.
I know I can because I have briefly before. I wrote in my post "Fear, Who Cares", about an experience that I had while meditating when I told God I wanted to know Him, myself, peace, love and joy. God answered my prayer right then and there. A couple of years later before meditating I prayed to God that I really needed his help because I had forgotten for a time what he had showed me. I hadn't forgotten the experience but I had forgotten that brief awareness that I am part of God and I am peace, love and joy. So, he showed me again. It wasn't as intense as the first meditation when God visited, but the experience was sustained through out most of day. When I was with God and felt the oneness with God, I experienced a particular feeling or vibration of the knowledge of the interconnectedness all of us have with everyone and all things.
If this doesn't make much since, I apologize. It just so hard to put into words. It's an experience beyond the world of words. Anyway, the rest of the day everything I touched, everyone and everything I saw, I could feel that vibration of divine creation and see the light of creation. It was like God's fingerprints were all over everything.
A Course in Miracles is more eloquent in describing what I experienced: "In many only the spark remains, for the Great Rays are obscured. Yet God has kept the spark alive so that the Rays can never be completely forgotten. If you but see the little spark you will learn of the greater light, for the Rays are there unseen. Perceiving the spark will heal, but knowing the light will create. Yet the separation was a descent from magnitude to littleness. But the spark is still as pure as the Great Light, because it is the remaining call of creation. Put all your faith in it, and God Himself will answer you."
I read this today along with my lesson. Both reminded me that I can and I will see things differently. In today's lesson, "Above all else, I want to see things differently", I read: "You see a lot of separate things about you, which really means you are not seeing at all. You either see or not. When you have seen one thing differently, you will see all things differently. The light you will see in any one of them is the same light you will see in them all." Further down the lesson it says, "You could, in fact, gain vision from just that table, if you would withdraw all your own ideas from it, and look upon it with a completely open mind. It has something to show you; something beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope. Hidden under all your ideas about it is its real purpose, the purpose it shares with all the universe."
So, this is my goal, from here on out. I want to give gifts that are worthy of God. What is a more worthy gift than seeing others for who they really are as God created them? I believe by doing this I will stop condemning myself and listening to my ego. If I see the "spark of light" in everyone else how can I not see it in myself? I'm going to try to only see the truth. I'm going to try to believe in only the truth and to look past negativity and let it go. Give negativity all the meaning it has for me, which it has no meaning not being created by God.
I want to give my attention to only what is "beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope" , in everyone and every situation.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I Can Escape From the World I See
I'm on lesson 23, I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts. I just figured something out and had to write about it. Each time today that I've searched my mind for attack thoughts, I was having trouble coming up with attack thoughts. I was trying to think of who I have attacked or who is attacking me and couldn't come up with much. I'm generally a lover and not a fighter.
But just minutes ago, I caught myself thinking that I am stupid. Aha! There's an attack thought. Then more attack thoughts against myself started coming into my mind. I'm attacking myself! This is where much of my fear comes from. I fear meeting new people, answering the phone at work, saying what's on my mind because I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself or people will think I'm stupid or ugly or whatever. I'm afraid people are going to think about me the way I think about myself. I actually think people think I'm stupid!
I thought I'd gotten over the nightmare of middle school, but no, I'm still there. The world I see is middle school, where I'm not cool enough or pretty enough and people think I'm weird and awkward. I sit by myself knowing people are thinking bad thoughts about me.
Now that is insane! I can escape from this world. I don't have to stay trapped there. Middle School sucks! I am soooo over it!
Oh, and there really is no difference between someone attacking me or visa versa or me attacking me, because it hurts just the same. At some point though I decided it was okay to attack myself. But the feeling of sadness I felt when I told myself I'm stupid was vivid and real. When I feel I have attacked, attack someone or myself I cry just the same.
Free at last!
But just minutes ago, I caught myself thinking that I am stupid. Aha! There's an attack thought. Then more attack thoughts against myself started coming into my mind. I'm attacking myself! This is where much of my fear comes from. I fear meeting new people, answering the phone at work, saying what's on my mind because I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself or people will think I'm stupid or ugly or whatever. I'm afraid people are going to think about me the way I think about myself. I actually think people think I'm stupid!
I thought I'd gotten over the nightmare of middle school, but no, I'm still there. The world I see is middle school, where I'm not cool enough or pretty enough and people think I'm weird and awkward. I sit by myself knowing people are thinking bad thoughts about me.
Now that is insane! I can escape from this world. I don't have to stay trapped there. Middle School sucks! I am soooo over it!
Oh, and there really is no difference between someone attacking me or visa versa or me attacking me, because it hurts just the same. At some point though I decided it was okay to attack myself. But the feeling of sadness I felt when I told myself I'm stupid was vivid and real. When I feel I have attacked, attack someone or myself I cry just the same.
Free at last!
Mission Autism
Skylar, age 3
I woke up this morning with the thought that God is pleased. I smiled at this thought. I do not recall ever feeling that God is pleased with me. I've gotten into the good habit lately of reading my lesson in A Course in Miracles as soon as I get up. Well, right after I make the coffee. My routine used to be to make coffee and turn on CNN to see what's going on in the world. Now I would rather read my ACIM book than watch tv.
While I was making coffee this morning I was thinking about autism. I have been wanting to teach autistic children since my four year old nephew, Skylar, was diagnosed with it two years ago. My family does not have a history of this disorder so the diagnosis took us all by surprise. Generally speaking, children with autism have trouble with communication and social interaction. When I heard how many children are born with autism, I thought, "there really needs to be something done about this". Autism affects more children than diabetes, leukemia and AIDS combined. When I became aware of the statistics I wondered what the world will be like in twenty years when these children become adults. I wondered what would my nephew's future be like. So, that's when I decided that I was going to dedicate my life to this cause.
After I got my coffee and read my lesson, I thought, "maybe I should turn on CNN just to make sure I'm not missing anything". Moments after I turned the channel to CNN I realized it is Autism Awareness Day and CNN is dedicating the whole day to autism. I had no idea it was Autism Awareness Day, after all I hadn't watched the news in over a week.
In between watching the segments on autism, I read the text in my ACIM book. As I was reading I realized something rather profound. I guess I would call it a revelation rather than a realization. I am not doing these lessons just for myself. I'm doing them for myself and everyone else. I want to know that I am whole, complete and perfect. I want to know peace. So I want to teach those things.
I wrote in my last post that maybe I should dedicate a whole blog to my passion to teach children. Now I'm thinking that this passion is not separate from my spiritual journey. It is a part of my spiritual journey.
Most children with autism have normal if not above normal cognitive abilities. The problem is that they're missing the wiring in their brains necessary to make thoughts into speech. Some of them eventually develop the connections to be able to speak, some do not. They also can be highly sensitive to their environment. It is like they live in a different world than the rest of us do. It is more like they are trapped within their own minds. They can not on their own, as far as I know, come into our world, but we can go into their world and bring them into ours.
I have watched many videos on You Tube that autistic individuals have made. They're thoughts are insightful and poetic. They see the world much differently than we do. In a way, they are interconnected with the energy of their environment.
Today on CNN there was a story of an autistic 19 year old. He has never spoken but his mother taught him to type. She asked him how his day was and he typed, "It was like a floating kangaroo that kept the world invisible". Later the interviewer asked him if he is happy and he wrote that he couldn't say he is happy all the time because happiness is a state of mind. Sometimes he is happy and sometimes he experiences hollowness. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think that's pretty close.
Here is a link to a video called "In My Language", created by an autistic woman. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
For more info on autism this is a very informative site: www.autismspeaks.org
Many autistic children possess astounding talents and abilities They have much to offer the world if they have the proper guidance at an early age. This is what I want to provide. My college education was in graphic design, so I do not yet have the degree I need to formally teach. What I can provide is patience and love and without that, what methods or skills learned in college are useless. I can't afford college right now and I feel that if a degree is needed the opportunity will arise. I do trust that God will provide.
In the text in ACIM I read that the body's function is communication. I want to help these children remove the obstacles that are keeping them from being able to communicate. If I can help them learn to talk, that would be great. If not, I can teach them to write or type or communicate using sign language. If they love music or art I can encourage the development of those abilities. I don't want this world to be deprived of the thoughts of these amazing and beautiful children. I want them to be able to share the gifts God gave them.
Skylar is such a loving boy. He is starting to show some musical talents and interests in electronics. His motor skills are well above average, bordering on astounding. He doesn't speak, but understands and follows directions well. It breaks my heart to see him in pain. You can literally see the frustration on his face when he wants to communicate but can not. Usually he will let out a frustrated scream. Lately he has started biting.
He is learning though and the doctors do believe he will speak. He's learning sign language in school and was so proud to show me he learned how to sign "more". He is also becoming more social. My fiance and I went to his house on Easter. I came in first and Skylar gave me a hug, which he has done many times before. Then John walked in. Normally Skylar doesn't even acknowledge John's existence, but this time he actually hugged John. It was like he finally recognized him after all these years.
Skylar hasn't always been like this. Like many children with autism they developed normally until about 18 month of age. He was such an expressive baby (as you can see in the pictures) and loved to interact with people. Then we noticed he hadn't started speaking and thought he should be. He did say momma, but that was it. The doctors would say that children develop at their on pace and to just give him time.
Well, at two he was still not speaking and starting to develop obsessive/compulsive behaviors. That is when he was diagnosed.It is likely Skylar will turn out to be fine, maybe just a little eccentric. He is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. I believe every child with autism can be reached, if seen as perfect as God created them and not as bodies. I believe through God all things are possible.
"The Will of God is without limit, and all power and glory lie within it. It is boundless in strength and in love and in peace. It has no boundaries because its extension is unlimited, and it encompasses all things because it created all things. You are the Will of God because that is how you were created. Because your Creator creates only like Himself, you are like Him. You are part of Him Who is all power and glory, and are therefore as unlimited as He is."
"Ask and it shall be given you, because it has already been given. Ask for light and learn that you are light. If you want understanding and enlightenment you will learn it, because you decision to learn it is the decision to listen to the Teacher Who knows of light, and can therefore teach it to you."
ACIM Chapter 8, The Journey Back
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