I'm on lesson 23, I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts. I just figured something out and had to write about it. Each time today that I've searched my mind for attack thoughts, I was having trouble coming up with attack thoughts. I was trying to think of who I have attacked or who is attacking me and couldn't come up with much. I'm generally a lover and not a fighter.
But just minutes ago, I caught myself thinking that I am stupid. Aha! There's an attack thought. Then more attack thoughts against myself started coming into my mind. I'm attacking myself! This is where much of my fear comes from. I fear meeting new people, answering the phone at work, saying what's on my mind because I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself or people will think I'm stupid or ugly or whatever. I'm afraid people are going to think about me the way I think about myself. I actually think people think I'm stupid!
I thought I'd gotten over the nightmare of middle school, but no, I'm still there. The world I see is middle school, where I'm not cool enough or pretty enough and people think I'm weird and awkward. I sit by myself knowing people are thinking bad thoughts about me.
Now that is insane! I can escape from this world. I don't have to stay trapped there. Middle School sucks! I am soooo over it!
Oh, and there really is no difference between someone attacking me or visa versa or me attacking me, because it hurts just the same. At some point though I decided it was okay to attack myself. But the feeling of sadness I felt when I told myself I'm stupid was vivid and real. When I feel I have attacked, attack someone or myself I cry just the same.
Free at last!
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Hi Carrie!
I had exactly the same experience with you. I thought "I don't attack anyone anymore". I even felt a little high & mighty, even! Like I was an angel or something. I never thought a bad thought about anyone.
BUT THEN i realized I had taken all those attack thoughts and were directing them to myself - thinking I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm not good enough.
Wow! I'm attacking myself!
(which is exactly the same as attacking other people)
Once I realized what I was doing, I could make a decision to see things differently. To think differently. But up until that point, i wasn't even consciously aware that I was attacking myself. I wasn't even aware of the thoughts I was holding about myself.
Great post.
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