Just a bunch of random thoughts.

I haven't been writing much lately. I haven't had anything to write about. I haven't been "getting" the lessons over the past week.

I want to know God and I want to know myself as God created me. (If anyone is reading this, please bear with me. I don't know where this is going. I'm just trying to figure things out.) Don't get me wrong. Even though I'm not "getting" the lessons, I still love A Course in Miracles. It seems to fit me better than anything else I've tried. I think I read in the Text that there a many, many paths to God and many helpers. I was thinking about this yesterday, because, I was feeling a lot of doubt and hopelessness. Like what if I got it wrong again, what if I'm being tricked again. To remember that there are many paths to God made me feel better.

I then thought of an experience I had while living at the Headquarters of the spiritual organization I used to be involved with. The husband of one of the teachers there had diabetes. He had diabetes since he was a child and when I moved to the Headquarters he was blind and weak, but hadn't lost a bit of his charisma and humor. He was such a pleasure to be around. When I met him, I wondered why he hadn't healed himself. All of this talk and teaching about healing. Why couldn't he heal himself? I'm still not sure why.

A few months after I moved there, he died. A couple of nights or so after he died, I dreamed that he and I were walking in the woods. He was in perfect health and I had never known him in perfect health. There were many paths in the woods and he was telling me, some people take that path, others take that path, and then there is that path. Some go this way and others go that way.

When I woke up, I wasn't sure what the dream was talking about. I still believe that was his spirit visiting me. At the time, I naively thought that I was on the path. So what was he saying about all these other paths? Well, yesterday it became clear to me.

Lisa Natoli, whom I've mentioned before in my blog. She is the author of a blog and book called Gorgeous For God. If you are studying A Course in Miracles, please go to her blog. She teaches the lessons everyday on her blog. Here's the link, www.gorgeousforgod.com

Anyway, in one of the first emails I received from Lisa she said, all paths lead to God. I believe her but I still don't get it totally. I do think there are many paths to God. Really, though, I have always wanted to know God and all that I have done and in all of my searching have led me to where I am now. So, in truth, the spiritual organization I was involved, that even though at times I felt betrayed by, did play a role in getting me where I want to go.

So, where am I now? I'm studying A Course in Miracles and I love it! It is so straightforward. There are no props, statues, costumes or rituals. It does not require me to leave my home or go to church or be involved with an organization. I get to do it in my home or wherever I happen to be with whomever I'm with. And the best part of it all is Jesus is my teacher!

Even though I don't feel like I'm "getting" the lessons right now. I'm still doing it. It says in the first paragraph of the Introduction to the Workbook Lessons, "A theoretical foundation such as the text provides is necessary as a framework to make the exercises in this workbook meaningful. Yet it is doing the exercises that will make the goal of the course possible. An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of this workbook to train your mind to think along the lines the text sets fort."

Then it says towards the end of the introduction, "Some of the ideas the workbook presents you will find hard to believe, and others may seem to be quite startling. This does not matter. You are merely asked to apply the ideas as you are directed to do. You are not asked to judge them at all. You are asked only to use them. It is their use that will give them meaning to you, and will show you that they are true."

"Remember, only this, you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy. But do not allow yourself to make exceptions in applying the ideas the workbook contains, and whatever your reactions to the ideas may be, use them. Nothing more than that is required."

Wow! That's a relief! I don't have to believe the ideas and whatever reactions I might have I can use them. Jesus is the best teacher! And he doesn't mind that I don't yet believe I'm holy, he just wants me to do the exercises. I'm glad I read the introduction again.

I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. I was basically, condemning myself for not believing I'm holy. That's rather ironic. All day long, I experienced anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity. My dream last night showed me, in gory detail, the gruesomeness of attack, using the symbol of an ax murderer.

So, I'm on lesson 39, My holiness is my salvation. Here is what has been my exercise today, "My unloving thoughts about anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity are keeping me in hell (where there is an ax murderer after me). My holiness is my salvation." The lesson asks, "If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?" then it asks, "do you believe guilt is hell?" Well, first I thought, "definitely". Then I thought, "if I really believe that guilt is hell, then why do I keep myself in hell?" Why don't I just let go of guilt and all unloving thoughts and leap into heaven? I have to conclude that I still think that guilt is my reality and I deserve to be in hell. Why? I don't know, why I think I deserve to be punished, but I do. Hence the reason I don't think I'm holy. The paradox is my holiness is my salvation. Yeah, I still don't get it really. You know, though, I shouldn't worry that I don't "get it" because worry puts me in hell. So, really I don't need to figure it out. I just need to do the lessons and through applying them, let the truth be revealed to me.

There was something I read last night in the Text that helps me have an image of myself as holy and I'm trying to hold that in my mind in the hope that it will make it my reality. In the midst of my turmoil last night. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me to something in the text that can help me understand my holiness. I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 24, section V. The Christ in You. I thought, yes, this is it. Christ is holy and Christ is in me. There were a couple of paragraphs in this section that really helped me see myself differently, "Where could your peace arise but from forgiveness? The Christ in you looks only on the truth, and sees no condemnation that could need forgiveness. He is at peace because He sees no sin. Identify with Him, and what has He that you have not? He is your eyes, your ears, your hands, your feet. How gentle are the sights He sees, the sounds He hears. How beautiful His hand that holds His brother's, and how lovingly He walks beside him, showing him what can be seen and heard, and where he will see nothing and there is no sound to hear."

"Christ's hand holds all His brothers in Himself. He gives them vision for their sightless eyes, and sings to them of Heaven, that their ears may hear no more the sound of battle and death. He reaches through them, holding out His hand, that everyone may bless all living things, and see their holiness." I really like this part: "You who would be content with specialness, and seek salvation in a war with love, consider this: The holy Lord of Heaven has Himself come down to you, to offer you your own completion. What is His is your because in your completion is His Own."

I think it was the last paragraph that really hit the nail on the head. "There must be doubt before there can be conflict. And every doubt must be about yourself. Christ has no doubt, and from His certainty His quiet comes. He will exchange His certainty for all your doubts, if you agree that He is One with you, and that this Oneness is endless, timeless, and within your grasp because your hands are His. He is within you, yet He walks beside you and before, leading the way that He must go to find Himself complete. His quietness becomes your certainty. And where is doubt when certainty has come?"

So Christ will exchange His certainty for all my doubts. I just need to agree that He is me. Maybe, that is what my holiness is all about. What I have done with this idea is to imagine that Jesus is holding my hand and leading me to God. Perhaps I will eventually see our oneness and my holiness.