The Answer to Attack

Daddy and me.
Halloween 1979


Everything seems to be coming together. I know I'm on track now and it all started with the simple act of following through with the message I received in my meditation: Write a blog to share your spiritual experiences. I don't know if there has been more than one person who has read my blog but that doesn't seem to matter. I started writing about my experiences and I became inspired again. I realized my life had become stagnant and I wanted to have more beautiful experiences. I felt an urgency to bring my life back to God, so I started to do the lessons in A Course in Miracles. First the lessons led me to Lisa who could provide me guidance and the motivation to keep going. The lessons have, in turn, had a profound impact on my consciousness. Now I couldn't feel more ready to give up all of my control over to God. Besides I never really was in control of my life anyway. I know what happens when I try to take control and it has left me feeling a sense of lack. What do I have to lose by putting my faith in God? Nothing. What do I have to gain? I believe everything.

This is what my whole life has been leading up to. I have this very entertaining book called, "The Hidden Truth of Your Name". I don't know how much truth there is to it, if any, but there were some things that did seem to fit. Particularly the Runic interpretation. I really don't know anything about runes though. It says, "She is flexible and broad-minded and keeps voluminous journals of her experiences". I do have many journals. "The Ansuz energy of communication," whatever that is, "in her name gives her writing talent." I don't know how much talent, but I sure love to write. "She is also interested in the advocacy for children." That couldn't be more accurate. I might have to create another blog dedicated to my mission to teach children. "She is spiritually advanced," rather than using those words, I would probably say I have a stronger desire to know truth than some people, "and generous with her time and energy. She has a mission!"

I have felt that I have been on a mission since I was a child. I've always wanted to be helpful and make people happy. I think it was when I was four, I told my mom I wanted to join the circus and be a clown because I wanted to make people laugh. Then there was the time when I was about eight and one of my new friends didn't know about Jesus and had never owned a Bible. So, I went home to get my Bible, took it over to her house and we prayed for Jesus to come into her heart. I was going to a private Christian school at the time and had probably been saved five or six times. I just wanted to make sure it stuck I guess.

I was a very social child and wanted to be friends with everyone, it didn't matter what their age was or how rich or poor or how smart. I remember telling my mom that I don't think of my friends as just kids, that I think they're like adults but with little bodies. Maybe this explains why I had such a great friendship with a mentally disabled man in my neighborhood. All the kids called him Big Mike. He was one of my best friends for quite a while. I don't think I realized he was mentally disabled or that he was even an adult. I asked him one time why his voice was so deep and he told me, "I have a frog in my throat." I thought, "ok, his voice is just hoarse." I think my step dad was trying to explain to me one time that he was an adult and not a child. He told me Big Mike was retarded. I didn't get it though. I said, "Big Mike is not retarded. He's my friend!" How dare he call Big Mike retarded!

I remember wanting to know and understand everything. Some of my favorite books were an encyclopedia for children, this huge dictionary that held volumes of different kinds of dictionaries and my book about volcanoes. I asked so many questions I think I drove my parents crazy. I have a home video of a trip to the zoo when I was eight years old. In one part of the video we were in the polar bear building looking into the tank at the polar bears. I asked my Dad, in my little southern drawl which I've since lost, "Daddy, how deep is that?" I asked him this same question about five times before he finally answered, "pretty deep".

I still want to know and understand everything, but now I've learned to look inward for the truth. Some of my more puzzling spiritual experiences I'm finally understanding what they mean. There was one experience in particular that I never really understood. It was two days after the planes hit the Twin Towers. I felt I needed to do something but I didn't know what I could possibly do being in Missouri at the time without the money to travel to NY to help. So I meditated hoping to get an answer. The answer was, "Go Ye therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I am with you always. Amen." I thought, "how is that supposed to help now? I am teaching and have been for quite awhile. How is that relevant to now?" I was teaching at that time with a spiritual organization. I was teaching people how to use their minds and how to meditate to know God. So, I just understood the answer to mean just keep doing what your doing.

That was sort of what it meant but now I can see the awesome weight of the meaning. I was angry at the attack on the World Trade Center as was everyone. I was fearful, as was everyone. No one could understand why this happened. All of these good people died, for what!?! There had to be some reason for it or why would God let it happen. Well, God didn't make it happen. People made it happen. They had forgotten to love their brother and that we all were created in love by God. Our egos convince us we are separate and we have our own agenda and our agenda is right. Attack happens when there is conflict about what is right, when someone perceives someone else is trying to destroy what is right.

I like how A Course in Miracles puts it, "Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one's own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others. Anger cannot occur unless you believe that you have been attacked, that your attack is justified in return, and that you are in no way responsible for it. Given these three wholly irrational premises, the equally irrational conclusion that a brother is worthy of attack rather than of love must follow. What can be expected from insane premises except an insane conclusion? The way to undo an insane conclusion is to consider the sanity of the premises on which it rests. You cannot be attacked, attack has no justification, and you are reponsible for what you believe." It then says this in a paragraph further down, "Remember always that what you believe you will teach." Here is the message: "Teach only love, for that is what you are."

"Go ye therefore and teach all nations." To teach all nations, the message that is taught must be universal. What is more universal than love? "Baptizing them in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." To be baptized is to wash your sins away. Your sins are all your mis-perceptions, when you have forgotten to love. Love washes your sins away. To know love is to awaken to who you really are as God created you. When we have all re-awakened to who we are there can be no conflict. When there is light, darkness can no longer exist.

I don't want this world or myself to be conflicted. I don't want to see my brothers attacking each other. I don't want to attack or feel attacked any longer. There really is no justification in it. This is way I place my life in God's hands. Only he knows what I need.

The lessons I have done so far in A Course in Miracles are "baptizing" me. I just need to keep telling that little devil on my shoulder, my ego, I'm not going to listen to it anymore. This morning I opened my Bible to Matthew chapter 4. I couldn't have asked for anything more relevant to what I've been going through. It's the part where the devil tempts Jesus. The devil says this can all be yours if you just bow down and worship me. Jesus says, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." I love that response, "Get thee hence, Satan!" Next time my ego tempts me by saying something it says often, "what are you getting yourself into!?!" I will say to it, "Get thee hence, Satan!" and then I will flick it off my shoulder. And then I'll say, "I am only going to do what God wills, because my will is God's Will." I know what I am getting into is way better than anything my ego has ever gotten me into. I'm excited to see what happens next.

A "Chance" to Learn

I'm back! It's been awhile since I have written because the lessons I've been doing in A Course in Miracles have made me feel like I don't know anything and therefore I didn't have anything to write about. All I knew was that I didn't know anything. And that one sentence would have been a very short and boring post.

My life has been great though lately. I am excited and happy. I haven't been worrying so much about the future and I'm not worried about not worrying about the future, because I feel that it's going to work out just as it should. I read in the Buddha book that there is no reason to worry because if you can do something about a situation then there is no need to worry and if you can't do something about a situation than why even bother worrying. In my lessons, I've been learning these thoughts of worry don't mean anything anyway.

Since I started writing this blog some really great things have happened in my life. I started writing it as a way to get my thoughts and to share my experiences with anyone who may be reading. I really don't have any friends that live around me anymore. It seems that in the past few years I don't make friends as easily. It is not that I'm not a likable person. I meet people all the time and they seem to like me and we get along, but most have turned into acquaintances. I know the reason for this is, I am more picky about who I spend my time with. Most girls my age, especially the unmarried ones enjoy going to bars and clubs. Drinking really doesn't do anything for me anymore and I don't like bar and club environments either. There was a time though that partying was my life. I guess I've grown up in that regard and put those childish toys away.

I want more meaningful relationships. I want to hang out with people that I connect with. I have friends like that but we don't live in the same city anymore, but we talk on the phone and email. I miss them. These kinds of relationships are rare and special. Here is an example of what I am talking about:

I started a job at a brand new furniture/home decor store. When I first started the store hadn't opened yet and myself and the other employees had the task of putting furniture together and setting up the store. This was a huge store, 30,000 sq ft, so in addition to regular employees there were temps as well. I met many people and had many good conversations. There was a girl that I saw often but hadn't talk to her. I had my own preconceived ideas about her based on how she looked. She reminded me of the girls that used to tease me in middle school and high school. She was blond and pretty and looked like she was probably a cheerleader in high school. And her name was Amber! I always think of blond cheerleaders when I hear that name although that is my middle name. Funny, huh. Because of my judgments I didn't go out of my way to talk to her. One day though we both had the same job of taking the tape off the floor that had been used to designate sections of the store. This was a lonely and mundane job until we ended up pulling tape off the floor in the same area.

We started talking and I soon realized she was not one of the girls who used to tease me. She was not an air head cheerleader, although she was bubbly. We were having a great conversation sitting on the floor pulling off tape. We we talking about where we grew up and about our lives. At some point I realized I couldn't tell her about my life and omit the six years that I was involved with a spiritual organization. I thought if I tell her this she is going to think I'm a weirdo. She was wondering what I was holding back. I felt such a connection with her that I told her I was afraid she would judge me if I told her. (Only days ago I had judged her before I ever talked to her.) She promised she wouldn't judge me and I believed her. So, I told her. I told her everything! And she didn't respond with judgment but with curiosity and admiration. Later, I found out she had been telling other people what a cool person I was. If it hadn't had been for that shared task I may have never talked to her and missed out on a great friendship.

She has since moved to another city, but not too far away. I value her friendship a lot. We laugh so much together. She likes me for who I am. I don't have to be anyone else. I can talk to her about anything and I think she knows she can too.

I have other friends like her that live in different states, so I can't experience this special kind of sharing on a regular basis. Also they have busy lives and we rarely have a chance to talk. This is why I started this blog. I also felt I needed someone that could help me sort things out as well. It seems that all of my friends and I are at the same level of understanding ourselves, God and the world, so I also started this blog so that perhaps I may attract someone that could help me. Someone that has figured things out that I haven't or who could inspire me. Maybe a teacher or mentor.

In my first post I wrote that after my meditation, when I received the idea to start a blog to share my spiritual experiences, I randomly opened A Course in Miracles to perhaps affirm this idea. What I read said, "Say to the Holy Spirit only, "Decide for me," and it is done. For His decisions are reflections of what God knows about you, and in this light, error of any kind becomes impossible. Trust Him to answer quickly, surely, and with Love for everyone who will be touched in any way by the decision. And everyone will be."

He did decide for me! He knew what I needed, because about two weeks ago he led me to someone who was there to help. I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for this blog. When I started doing the lessons in a Course in Miracles I wanted to find some more information about it. I didn't know anyone who was studying or had studied. I did a search of blogs with content about the Course and found a blog called Gorgeous for God. I immediately went to the about me page. I found the blog is written by a lady named Lisa Natoli and I was amazed to read how similar we are. I noticed we had similar experiences in childhood and similar spiritual experiences so I wrote her an email. And she wrote me back! Since then we've been writing each other just about every day. She teaches the lessons on her blog. And that is just what I needed. I wasn't ready to get involved in another spiritual organization. I didn't want to have to go to anyone's house to study with a group. I need to feel safe in my studies and this is one of the many things Lisa has provided for me.

In the Manual for Teachers in the ACIM book there is a section about who are the pupils of God's teachers. It says, "Certain pupils have been assigned to each of God's teachers, and they will begin to look for him as soon as he has answered the Call. They were chosen for him because of the form of the universal curriculum that he will teach is best for them in view of their level of understanding." And I have been assigned to Lisa!

The section after that in the Manual is about the levels of teaching. This is what it says, "The teachers of God have no set teaching level. There is no one from whom a teacher of God cannot learn, so there is no one whom he cannot teach. However, from a practical point of view he cannot meet everyone, nor can everyone find him. Therefore, the plan includes very specific contacts to be made for each teacher of God. There are no accidents in salvation. Those who meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship. They are ready for each other."

There are no accidents in salvation! It was not an accident that I found Lisa. I was meant to all along. That probably explains why I felt I already knew her. Then the section talks about meetings that seemed to have happened by chance. It says, "These are not chance encounters. Each of them has the potential for becoming a teaching-learning situation." It really wasn't by chance that Amber and I had met. It wasn't by chance that I've met anyone. There is the potential for a learning situation with everyone I meet. I think that is amazing. I have thought this for sometime but never really thought about it. Several years ago, I didn't have a car so I had to rely on the bus to get me to work and if I missed the bus which I did often I would have to call a cab. They same cab driver would pick me up just about every time I called. We had the most interesting conversations.

He was from Africa and had been living in the states for about ten years. He would tell me stories about his life in Africa and about when he arrived in the states for the first time. He told me he arrived in NY City in the middle of winter. It is always hot or warm in Africa so he was not prepared for the frigid temperatures of NYC. He didn't have a coat and his head was bald. When he stepped off the plane his body went into shock and and his first sight to see in the States was the hospital! We also talked about spirituality quite a bit. He told me he thought I was a bright light and I would do well in whatever I did.

This friendship was very short but had a lasting effect on me. I've experienced several encounters like this in the oddest places, but really great places to meet special people. I've had friendships that only lasted for a few hours. One at the Department of Motor Vehicles waiting to get my driver's license; another on a train to Chicago; a customer who came in to the home decor store where I was working. I could probably think of several more.

I want to be more mindful now when I have these chance encounters. I want to learn in all of my meetings. I need to remember that in all of my meetings and relationships God brought us together. I want to love all of my brothers as myself and as He does. I want to remember that we have the same interest and it is to know our Father again.

Tell Them I Am Sent You.

Ok, so now I know the purpose of the lessons of the past couple of days. "I see only the past." This is the idea of today's lesson. The ideas of the previous lessons were nothing I see means anything, I have given everything all the meaning it has for me and I am never upset for the reason I think. Everything I see or anything that makes me upset is based on belief of past perceptions.

It is so true. Everything I see or feel I associate with what I have experienced in the past. When I look at objects around my house I immediately think of when I got it, where I got it, who it reminds me of. As far as upsets go, one of my major sore spots is when someone questions my honesty or accuses me of my intentions not being pure. I know I'm an honest person and I try to make sure my intentions are pure. It was like I came into this world with the knowledge that it is much better to tell the truth rather than lie not matter how painful it may be. Regardless of this, I have been accused many times of not being honest. It hurts me even though I know that the person accusing me is coming from a place of defensiveness and low self worth. Every time this happens my mind immediately goes to the first time someone accused me of lying when I wasn't. I was 11 years old and the person accusing me was an adult whom I always felt a need to please. I still don't know why she felt compelled to not believe me but it hurt me on many levels and my relationship with this person has never completely recovered. I know this is something in me needing forgiveness. I need forgiveness and to forgive.

Forgiveness, yes! This is what these lessons are leading up to! I know what their up to. :)

In the text I read today it said, "All your difficulties stem from the fact that you do not recognize yourself, your brother or God. To recognize means to 'know again,' implying that you knew before. You can see in many ways because perception involves interpretation, and this means that it is not whole or consistent."

Who I think I am now is just a system of beliefs that are based on past perceptions that weren't even true to begin with. These beliefs have been with me since I was a child so this makes it difficult to undo them because I have decided they were true.

I've been told I have a profound memory. I can remember my childhood very clearly. And not just events, but also how I thought and felt. Some things I wish I didn't remember, but one memory in particular I am very grateful to have remembered.

This was perhaps my first memory. This memory goes back before I had any judgments or any preconceived ideas. I recall this point in time when I am confused about who I am or unhappy with who I am because this is a memory of who I truly am.

I couldn't have been more than two years old because I was in my crib that I grew out of when I was two. It was a tiny, yellow crib. I had just woken up. I was just lying in my crib gazing out the window that was at the end of my bed. I was watching the shadows of the trees on the side of the house next door. The wind was blowing the trees causing the shadows to dance. At the time, though, I was not thinking of the shadows or the trees, the wind or the house next door. I was not upset or anxious. I wasn't thinking about what I was going to do when I got up. I had no thought. I was in a state of being. It was a moment of pure happiness and contentment, but not about anything in particular. It was like being happy because I was alive, because of that moment.

I think this is what it is to be in communion with God. A Course in Miracles puts it this way:

"Prayer is a way of asking for something. It is the medium of miracles. But the only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness, because those who have been forgiven have everything. Once forgiveness has been accepted, prayer in the usual sense becomes utterly meaningless. The prayer for forgiveness is nothing more than a request that you may be able to recognize what you already have." You have lost the knowledge that you yourself are a miracle of God."

"Communion, not prayer, is the natural state of those who know. God and His miracle are inseparable. How beautiful indeed are the Thoughts of God who live in His light! Your worth is beyond perception because it is beyond doubt. Do not perceive yourself in different lights. Know yourself in the One Light where the miracle that is you is perfectly clear."

Dear God,
Here is my request. I would like to be able to recognize that I am a miracle of God.
Thank you.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

"You may still complain about fear, but you nevertheless persist in making yourself fearful. I have already indicated that you cannot ask me to release you from fear. I know it does not exist, but you do not. If I intervened between your thoughts and their results, I would be tampering with a basic law of cause and effect; the most fundamental law there is. I would hardly help you if I depreciated the power of your own thinking. This would be in direct opposition to the purpose of this course. It is much more helpful to remind you that you do not guard your thoughts carefully enough. You may feel that at this point it would take a miracle to enable you to do this, which is perfectly true. You are not used to miracle-minded thinking, but you can be trained to think that way. All miracle workers need that kind of training." - A Course In Miracles.

Later I find more of an explanation in the training this excerpt was speaking of. "The miracle worker must have genuine respect for true cause and effect as a necessary condition for the miracle to occur." Further down the paragraph it says, "By choosing the miracle you have rejected fear, if only temporarily".

I had wrote in my previous post that I wondered how I could achieve right-mindedness if my mind hasn't been right my whole life and also stated that rather than performing miracles I needed a miracle. I think it is quite interesting that one day while reading I'll inevitably have an unanswered question in my mind and the next day I'll get the answer.

In the chapter I read today it said that fear happens when you choose not to love. Also that fear happens when there is a conflict between what you think and what you do. Now what to do about fear? It says that the correction of fear is my responsibility and that the correction is always the same, "Before you choose to do anything, ask me if your choice is in accord with mine. If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear".

Now, I just need to figure out how to hear the Voice. I'll probably need to get my mind right and I think the lessons and exercises will help me to do that. But for now, I think there is much truth in this statement, "The true resolution rests entirely on mastery through love. On the interim, however, the sense of conflict is inevitable, since you have placed yourself in a position where you believe in the power of what does not exist (fear)."

As far as the lessons are going, I'm not sure what the point is for the exercise today. I'm sure there is a purpose for it, I just haven't figured it out yet.

I'm sure my questions will be answered tomorrow.

Get Your Mind Right!

It's interesting that yesterday I wrote that one of the fears I thought was holding me back from, I guess I would call it, spiritual success is the fear of being vulnerable because today I read in "A Course in Miracles" a section about feeling vulnerable. This is what it said, "As long as your sense of vulnerability persists, you should not attempt to perform miracles." So, I thought, "I need to get my mind right." But I wondered how am I supposed to go about doing this. My mind hasn't been right my whole life. Where do I begin?

Further down the page I read, " I have already said that miracles are expressions of miracle-mindedness, and miracle-mindedness means right-mindedness. The right-minded neither exalt nor depreciate the mind of the miracle worker or the miracle receiver. However, as a correction, the miracle need not await the right-mindedness of the receiver. In fact, its purpose is to restore him to his right mind. It is essential, however, that the miracle worker be in his right mind, however briefly, or he will be unable to re-establish right-mindedness in someone else." What I need then is a miracle. Rather than asking what miracles I should perform, I should be asking for a miracle to restore my mind to rightness. I'm not sure what that entails, but what do I have to lose by asking.

I was still thinking at this point though, what can I do to begin the healing of my mind. But, lo and behold, at the end of the section I was reading for the day, it told me what I could do. "Your can do much on behalf of your own healing and that of others if, in a situation calling for help, you think of it this way:

I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what
to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing
He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal."

I'm going to have to write that down in my planner or maybe memorize it. I can already think of many situations that this prayer or affirmation will be helpful in. Especially at work when things get so chaotic, the kids are acting crazy and I forget why I'm there to begin with. I'm also tutoring a little girl with special needs. She has bad days sometimes, like yesterday was probably the worst. The next time she is having a bad day, rather than thinking I don't know what to do or I would rather go home now, I can silently recite this affirmation. I really think this will help to remind me why I chose to work with children and especially special needs children. The choice came from a pure desire to help and I genuinely feel that I am doing God's work.

Fear. Who Cares!

I'm finding it difficult to write this post because I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain. I am struggling to sort through them all and to figure out exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.

There were certain ideas presented in the chapter I read today in "A Course in Miracles". I guess I will start with these ideas and my thoughts about them.

This was under the section titled "Atonement and Miracles". Atonement, as I understand, means undoing of sins, forgiveness, letting go of everything that makes you feel separate from God. "You have a role in the Atonement which I will dictate to you. Ask me which miracles you should perform. This spares you needless effort, because you will be acting under direct communication." I thought, of course, why not just ask. I've been wondering what I'm supposed to be doing for too long. I have been successful in getting what I need when I have asked in the past. (By the way, it is believed that "A Course in Miracles" was dictated by Jesus Christ himself) So, I picked up a pen and my journal and wrote, "What miracles would you have me perform?" I sat very still, with pen in hand, and made my mind receptive, expecting to receive an answer. The only word I felt compelled to write was "Care.". Yes, I doubted if that just wasn't a product of my conscious mind rather divinely dictated to me. Then I thought, "Who cares what the source is." (Maybe I should care) I think caring is an admirable thing to do and I know I don't do it enough.

I will make sure that my goal in any situation is to care. I will care about my fiance, my friends, my neighbors, my family, people I work with, the kids I teach and even the strangers I pass on the street. I will care for myself, my home, my dog and the house plants. I'll care more about the environment and how I impact it. I'll take better care of my car. I know my fiance will appreciate that. Perhaps, I could even care about things that aren't in my immediate environment, like the starving children in Africa or the orphans in China. I think that covers just about everything. I do feel pretty happy to have a direction or a specific, personal ideal to uphold.

The next thing I read that caught my attention was, "Child of God, your were created to create the good, the beautiful and the holy. Do not forget this." I will try not to forget this, but at times that I feel all I've created in my life is a big, stinking pile of crap, it is easy to not believe this statement. Which brings me to something else I read, "The real purpose of this world is to use it to correct you unbelief. You can never control the effects of fear yourself, because you made fear and you believe in what you made. All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level, and therefore do not exist at all. To whatever extent you are willing to submit your beliefs to this test, to that extent are your perceptions corrected." I actually fear submitting my beliefs of what I'm fearful of to the untrue test. That sentence may not seemed to make any sense, but this is how I feel. I fear being vulnerable and submitting to these things that I am fearful of seem to offer me protection from getting hurt. At the same time I want to be the best person I can be, I want to have a fulfilling life without fears and doubts. I like the idea of doing God's will.

Somewhere in the text I read today, it said something like we are afraid of losing something by making the commitment to live a holy life. I do feel this way, probably because of how I perceive living a holy life. To me it looks like living in a monastery in silence for the rest of my life. That does not seem pleasurable to me. I wonder, can I live a holy life and still have the company of my fiance, have a family, build a house in the woods and perhaps travel the world? Is it appropriate to continue to seek financial security? It is the fear of not knowing the right thing to do that keeps me down. I fear giving up worldly desires because I really don't know what living a holy life feels like.

I think it is an appropriate time to talk about two of my most profound spiritual experiences. They were on my mind today and these experiences are what got me in this predicament in the first place. When I first started meditating in my early 20's, I wasn't sure if God existed. I was hoping that I would find out one way or the other through meditation. I had been meditating for about a month and all I experienced was a scattered mind and a sore back. I was getting frustrated, but was told to be patient. I basically was at the point to where I was fed up. I had been going through, what was at the time, the pain of meditation for something I wasn't even sure existed for a month now.

I decided one night that I was going to sit in meditation for as long as it took to know the truth about God. I wouldn't stop no matter how much my back ached or how sleepy I got until I knew the answer. I would sit there all night if I had to. So I sat down in the proper pose, did my breathing exercises exactly as I was taught and stated my petition. "I want to know God, my Self, peace, love and joy." I was not humble enough to just ask for one thing, I wanted to know it all.

I had been sitting for only about a minute and I was surprised at how still my mind was. Ever fiber of my being was determined to know the answer. Then to my surprise, I perceived someone or something approaching me. It was the feeling you get when your lying down with your eyes closed and someone enters the room. You don't hear them but you just know some how someone is there. Then I saw in my mind that the something was light, not just any light, but I knew it was light with spirit. Then the light penetrated my soul like a spear that shattered my physical body and physical conscious into a million pieces that fell away. What was left was me, my true self, my own spirit of light. The Light filled my light and I knew that it was God. I new "I and the Father were one". I knew who I was and who God was. And God was Peace, Love and Joy. I felt the most perfect peace, the most divine love, and the greatest and most pure joy I had ever experienced and have yet since then. I felt cradled in a warm blanket whose fibers were made of peace, love and joy. I knew that I came from God and I never was separated from God.

The experience only lasted moments but felt like eternity. I was given a glimpse into what I could experience all the time once I do the work. It was great motivation.

Six years later:
I had been meditating and practicing spiritual disciplines for six years since my God experience. I was involved with a spiritual organization that I had become very involved in. I was spending most of my time teaching, doing fund raisers, going to meetings and class as well as working a full time job and still trying to keep up with an hour and a half of spiritual disciplines each day. I had gotten to the point to where something had to give and what ended up going on the back burner were my spiritual disciplines. I would do them if I had time and wasn't too exhausted. But I was exhausted and didn't even know what I was doing anymore. I pretty much decided I was going to leave the organization.

I had a dream one night after my decision. It was a lucid dream. Those had been occurring more and more as a result of disciplining my mind and learning about dreams and their meaning. In my dream there was an annoying, violent cat, a cat or any animal represents habits. I was aware of what habit the dream was presenting. I knew I should kill the cat, death means change. I couldn't kill this cat. I tried everything and the evil cat lived. One of my teachers was there in a white robe. I asked her what I should do. She told me the choice was mine to make. I had exhausted all ways to force myself to change this habit into something more productive. So I looked to the sky and raised my arms and said, "Ok, I surrender!". As I spoke those words the cat exploded into an infinite number of points of light until all that was around me was light. Next thing I new I was in another place. Not another dream or awake in my bed, but another REAL place. I was totally alive and awake in some kind of palace. The floors looked like golden liquid but they were solid. It was a huge palace with huge columns. The walls were golden and the columns were shiny and white and reflected the gold. There were two people with me, one on each side of me. They were wearing white robes. They placed their hands on my arms and said, "Now it's time to look in the mirror". They turned me around and on the wall was an enormous gold framed mirror. I was in complete awe in what I was experiencing and it was blowing my mind. I was also very afraid. Just as we got to the mirror, I collapsed. Like my legs could no longer hold my weight. The two people, or beings, caught me and sat me down gently and said, "you need to breath". I started breathing deeply and immediately found myself back in my bed.

Even though the notion of being in a real place that is not the earthly world I'm familiar with was frighting and disturbing to my feeble mind, I want to go back. I want to look in the mirror. I wondered after that dream what was the meaning of it all. Why could I not look in the mirror. I realized more completely today that I wasn't ready. It is my fear that keeps me from knowing. It is my fear of losing something and feeling vulnerable.

Maybe the best way to deal with my fears is to just jump in with both feet or rip the band aid off in one quick motion. It is time for me to dive off the high dive. I've been afraid of the unknown for too long. I'm going to start caring about everything... with the exception of fear.

Seeing is Knowing

There was a paragraph in the section I was reading today in "A Course in Miracles" that I think best describes what I have been experiencing with the lessons the last couple of days. "The miracle makes no distinction among degrees of misperception. It is a device for perception correction, effective quite apart from either the degree or the direction of the error. This is its true indiscriminateness."

So far, I understand a miracle as true perception. You can only have true perception by giving all of your attention to the moment. In the book there are many examples given of what miracles are. The one thing these examples have in common is they describe the effect of miracles on the consciousness. The effect is the identification as a spiritual being rather than a physical body. Identifying as a spiritual being is the awareness that there is never a separation between the Self and God or that anyone is truly separate from anyone else or anything. When the attention is fully in the moment this is an obvious truth and the awareness is natural. Whew, that was a mouthful!

The exercises in the lessons have the natural effect of placing my attention in the moment. It really is so easy and the word "natural" I've already used a couple of times in this entry is the best word to describe my experience. Being so natural, why haven't I experienced being fully in the moment more often? The answer is a simple one... I'm just so distracted all the time. And not by anyone but myself. It's my fears, doubts, judgments, beliefs, prejudices, physical pain, insecurity, feeling lonely, habits, wants, needs, thinking I'm in control, I really could go on and on. And doesn't all of these distractions describe the human experience? Maybe more accurately, this describes the experience of being a physical body living in a physical environment with the knowledge that the end is inevitable. Well, I don't want to live like that anymore. I really have been given enough reasons from my spiritual experiences to know that I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. I'm just so stubborn though.

I've also been reading a book on Buddhism. It's called "Buddhism, Plain and Simple". It seems to go right along so well with "A Course in Miracles". Today I was reading a section of the book that was an overview of The Eightfold Path. In explaining the second aspect of the Path, right intention, the author related a story. I will paraphrase. It was a story of Socrates. He wanted to see if a young man that had come to him for instruction had the resolve to search for truth. He asked the man to follow him into the river and then suddenly took hold of him and held him under the water. Of course the young man struggled to get loose and come up for air. Socrates let him go and said, "When you fight for truth as you fight for breath, come back and I'll teach you."

I have been struggling against the inevitable, i.e. death, my whole life with sporadic interruptions of truth and now I feel I have the conviction to fight for truth. The author uses the phrase right seeing quite a bit to describe what Buddhism is all about. This is also what "The Course in Miracles" seems to be about (right seeing). To really see you have to have your attention in the moment. You have to pay attention to what is really going on, not what you think is going on or what you think someone else thinks is going on. What I'm saying is I need to let go of all of those distractions I listed earlier to see the truth. I succeeded in doing that today with a problem my fiance and I have been having. I feel like I've solved the problem and that it never was a problem to begin with.

This morning as we were discussing this problem it seemed unresolvable. We were at an impasse. So, after he left for work this morning I was able to remove myself from the situation. Step back or look at it from above. I let go of my emotions attached to the situation and my thoughts of being right or wrong and just looked at it for what it was. I realized the whole source of the problem is that we are individuals (this is true), but we expect each other to act, feel and think the same (this is delusional).

We all come into this life with different talents, abilities and understandings of different degrees. However, we are all, whether understanding consciously or unconsciously, moving toward the same goal and facing the same core challenges of being in a physical body. Sure, there are many unproductive actions and attitudes my fiance and I both need to change, but no matter how we act or what we do we can never force each other to change. So my solution: I know that we want to be together but just want to have an easier more pleasant time of it. Maybe if we just let each other be who we are and give each other permission to change in our own time we would naturally appreciate and respect each other more. I think that just this letting go of how we expect each other to be, the changes that are needed will happen... naturally.

Maybe, I should have titled this blog "Naturally".

New Day

Well, I guess every day is new, but lately it's been feeling like every day is the same. I know it's because I've just been going through the motions and have forgotten to enjoy the experience of being alive. I've gotten tired of feeling that way so today I started "A Course in Miracles". I've had the book for about five years now. It was given to me by a correspondence student I used to teach spiritual disciplines to when I was spiritually disciplined. That is a long story I will reserve for a day I have more time to write. I didn't even open the book for about three or four years. When I did I couldn't believe that I had been keeping this "miraculous" book from myself all this time. But I think things happen when they do for a reason. I have read quite a bit of the text and it has given me great insight and also started the course at one time but wasn't totally committed to following through with it. I feel like now is the time I need it the most.

The course takes one year to complete; one exercise each day. There is also the text which is 666 pages (not the number of the devil by the way, it represents the highest level of service you can give to humanity, that's how I understand it anyway). So, reading 2 pages of the text each day will allow me to also finish the text in a year. I might read more pages each day, but 2 pages is the minimum.

Anyway, I've done my lesson today and read three pages. The lesson was so simple but had an amazing effect on my consciousness. I felt completely in the moment and experienced a temporary release of attachment to everything in my environment. I felt free, no worries, no pain, no stress. It was wonderful even if only for a minute or so.

I will do my best to write about my experiences with these lessons every day. I have no one to study with anymore, but I think it is important to get my thoughts out however I can. It helps me to learn better.

By the way, about my last post on my religion. I know it was kind of a silly post, but I have realized over the last month that I don't need to identify myself with any particular religion. God exists no matter how or where you worship, what you believe or don't believe. If any one asks what church I go to or what my religion is I can confidently tell them that my religion and church is my own direct experience. I am fortunate though that my direct experience has provided me with plenty of proof that God exists. Why would I need a priest or minister to consult about God when I know that if I have any spiritual questions I can ask God myself and he always answers.