Why am I doing this?

I am doing this for several reasons: To get my thoughts out so I might not go crazy, to share some interesting, what I have deemed as, spiritual experiences I've had throughout my life and for the reason I don't feel comfortable sharing these experiences and the thoughts I have about them to people I know and have to see everyday. These people think I'm "normal" or maybe ordinary and I kind of would like to keep it that way. I really don't want to weird anyone out. So, I will remain anonymous in this blog.

Why did I decide to create this blog today? For quite a while I have really wanted to find someone who I can talk to about my experiences that would understand and maybe even give me some insight. "Quite a while" is really an understatement. I remember asking questions about God and the Bible in Sunday School when I was a kid. And the youth minister would look at me like I was a weirdo and just give me some kind of answer like because the Bible says. Never really giving me an intelligent answer.

I went to many churches as a child, Baptist, Methodist, Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall. Needless to say as a child I was very confused about religion. I asked my mom which church was right, who are the one's who will go to Heaven. She said that as long as I was a good person and believed in God, I would go to Heaven. This answer satisfied me for a long time.

Since then I have had many experiences that have given me some of the pieces to the puzzle of what the true truth is about God, why we are here and where we are going. I have yet had a minister in a church prove to me that God exists, but when I finally, whole-heartedly asked in prayer whoever in the ethers that may have been listening, to prove to me God exists, GOD SHOWED UP. Let me tell you, when God makes a personal visit, to doubt it happened would be impossible, like believing your own mother never really existed.

I realized church was not the way for me. I knew God was definitely the way for me, so since then I have been sifting through holy books and spiritual practices and if something works to get me closer to God than I use it.

I will admit, one good thing about organized religion are people. People to share your faith, belief and revelations with. This is why I need this blog. I have had experiences in prayer and meditation, while I'm asleep in my dreams and before I go to sleep. I'll get to the specific experiences later. But my point is, I'll have some brief moment of enlightenment or some strange spiritual happening, and then no one I feel I can tell about it and find out why, what was the purpose. So, when these things happen I think, "what's the purpose of that, what am I supposed to do with that?" This thought is where the title of my blog, Light Burdens, comes from. I have a beautiful experience (of light/awareness) and I feel like I've received a gift from God so now I'm responsible for doing something with it - hence the word burdens. Or you could look at the title another way; I feel grateful and humbled to receive these experiences even though I don't know what to do with them. So, really it's not like a heavy burden, like I'm depressed and don't know what I have to live for. Therefore, when that title came to mind I felt it perfectly described how I feel about my spiritual journey. I got the words for my title I think when I was reading the Bible and there was something about burden and light.

I still haven't answered the question why did I create this blog today, right now. Today is Sunday, and sometimes I feel I should read something holy on Sundays or pray. Today was different though because I meditated also. I haven't really meditated, like sitting in the correct posture and the breathing exercises and all, for probably more than a year. My Sunday worship started out pretty normal. I got out my Bible (the Holy book of choice for today), asked a question in my mind I needed guidance on and then opened the Bible to a random page and read the passage my eyes landed on. This is my preferred method of receiving answers.

The concern I had in my mind basically had to do with why I've been having anxiety attacks, why do I feel alone and not very close to God or enlightened as of late. I opened my Bible and my sight landed on 2 Chronicles 15: about verse 2. It said with exclamation, "The Lord will stay with you as long as you stay with him! Whenever you seek him, you will find him. But if you abandon him, he will abandon you." From there I start interpreting the passage relating it to my own life. I don't think God ever abandons anyone, but he does give you the free will to choose to abandon him, but he'll be there if you choose to come back. Now back to the passage, "For a long time, Israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach them, and without God's law." I admit hadn't been doing any spiritual study for a couple of months. "But whenever you were in distress and turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and sought him out, you found him." Yes, your right, that has happened from time to time. "During those dark times, it was not safe to travel. Problems troubled the nation on every hand. Nation fought against nation, and city against city, for God was troubling you with every kind of problem." Anxiety attacks! "And now you men of Judah, be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded." So, I needed to bring out my inner strength and be courageous instead of worrying so much about every kind of problem God is troubling me with. I don't blame my problems on God, although sometimes I think maybe he did give me these problems because I could handle them and would make me stronger.

After I read that passage, I decided to meditate, to let God know I wanted to stay with Him and I am seeking Him. . . again. And also, what should I do with myself to get over the anxiety. I started meditating and as usual I had a song stuck in my head and all the associated thoughts with the song. So I dealt with it by pretending I was talking to God in like a really loud bar and that song was just what was playing on the jukebox and I was listening intently to what He had to say. Then out of nowhere the thought of writing a blog about my spiritual journey came through my mind. I believed that wasn't just a thought in my scattered mind, but maybe the answer.

Maybe I had a little doubt, but I hadn't ever seriously thought of writing a blog but wished there was someone I could talk to about spiritual stuff. So just to make sure I decided to consult another spiritual guide called, "A Course in Miracles". If anyone is reading this and hasn't heard of it, please look it up. The website is www.acim.org. It's like my second Bible. So, I opened the book to a random page to see if what I read would squash my doubt. My sight landed in Chapter 14, Part III. The Decision for Guiltlessness, paragraphs 16 & 17. It says, "Say to the Holy Spirit only, "Decide for me," and it is done. For His decisions are reflections of what God knows about you, and in this light, error of any kind becomes impossible. Why would you struggle so frantically to anticipate all you cannot know, when all knowledge lies behind every decision the Holy Spirit makes for you? Learn of His wisdom and His Love, and teach His answer to everyone who struggles in the dark. For you decide for them and for yourself.

How gracious it is to decide all things through Him Whose equal Love is given equally to all alike! He leaves you no one outside of you. And so He gives you what is yours, because your Father would have you share it with Him. In Everything be led by Him, and do not reconsider. Trust Him to answer quickly, surely, and with Love for everyone who will be touched in any way by the decision. And everyone will be.

So, I made the decision to do this blog. This is a way I can practice faith and trust in myself and a greater power whom I prefer to call God. I know it is already helping the anxiety I've been having lately. I do feel more relaxed. If this blog only helps myself that would be great because that is the main reason I am doing it. But if it can help anyone else reading this to gain some insight, that would be fantastic.

I will be writing details about my spiritual experiences in future postings and of course my thoughts about my current studies.